cousins

We are the Women – We are One

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“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Thankful today for the strong women in my family and for the bond and closeness we share.   We as a group have been like glue, we have held together when others were falling apart. 

We seldom argue. We are of one mind and spirit. We support each other, are available for each other, listen to each other without judgment. When crises come, we join in unison to make our way through. 

There is Paulette who overcame extreme childhood adversity but did not let it keep her from succeeding in life.  She was an anchor of support for my mother, her daughters and her grandchildren. She supported them emotionally, financially and lovingly.  She works hard and shares what she has without hesitation. 

There is my niece, who grew up without the protection and care of a father. She grew into a strong, confident, talented and independent young woman.  She extends undeserved compassion and mercy to those who have not earned it, showing the kindness and forgiveness in her heart. 

My sister-in-love, my niece’s mother showed extreme strength in looking for a more stable home for her daughter. After many years apart we reconnected and formed a bond of friendship and sisterhood. 

My Auntie TJ.  All of my childhood we lived across the country from each other.  We reconnected over 40 years ago to discover that we had many of the same characteristics.  Funny how nature is that way.  She cares for so many in her family, but most exceptional was the care she gave as a devoted daughter, caring for my grandmother until she passed at 98.

My cousin Patty who was widowed as a young mom and raised a fine handsome responsible young man. She also, like her mom, is now providing support her mother. 

My cousin Beth, she fought for justice for her father (my uncle) and for her children. She paid many visits to my mother in her final years extended her love by being near when needed. 

My cousin, Debbie who passed away in December. I will miss our marathon phone calls… never less than  an hour and a half, full of support for each other’s lives.  She also would travel to visit my mother and show her love. 

My sister-in-law, Karen, who joined my family circle in a crisis and has stayed through many highs and lows over the years.  Above and beyond any obligation or call of duty she had, she has supported both sides of the family. 

We have all seen the hot water and we have proven we are strong. Our bond is unbreakable and we together we can overcome. 

Sometimes Life Gets You Down

emyloom 3 Comments

I am down tonight, it has been building for weeks but tonight I feel it intensely. It is a combination of many things. 

The first week in November, the 17 year old son of a close friend died in a drowning accident. 

He was a bright, kind, and joyful child.  In his obituary his parents wrote;

“He will be remembered for his unmitigated joyfulness, his natural curiosity, and his wholehearted enthusiasm. He lived fully. In his seventeen years of life, he traveled extensively and visited many places including Belize, the Galapagos Islands, Fiji, New Zealand, and Samoa. He enjoyed exploring and experiencing the world… He loved camping and felt at home sleeping under the stars. He could be found cooking homemade meals for his family, teaching himself to play the piano, or gaming with friends. He did not squander his life. He stepped into it with a big smile and his wonderful curly hair, awake and wholehearted.”

No doubt many have heard, “No parent should ever have to bury their child.” It is true.

Secondly, my son who has been battling IBD and autoimmune pancreatitis for 14 years has been in the hospital for a month. He came home today, but he is not well. 

He was equally a charming child. He had a magical childhood as well. He traveled the world with us. He raised chickens (they were his pets), then he became interested in aquaculture. He formed a website for the reef community at 14, he started a computer cloud company at 20. He had a bright and promising future when IBD reared its ugly head. At 22, his colon perforated while he was in the hospital. He was bleeding internally. After 3 surgeries and 8 weeks in hospital he came home. A year later he nearly bled to death after a scope procedure and biopsy.  Then year after year it seems the problems just piled on. 

Today he is on a lot of medication, he’s in a lot of pain, and it seems the medical community has given up on helping him. It’s incredibly sad when you have to fight a disease and you have to fight the medical community too. 

I have prayed so many prayers for my son. The other day I pleaded with God, I asked, what is the answer? Is there anybody that can help him? So far the answers have not come. 

Added to this, I got a call this morning that my cousin died. I just saw her in September. She was five years older than me in the last 15 or so years we reconnected and became closer.  She was beautiful, she was intelligent, loving and kind.  

She was a RN and with continuing education, got her masters degree. She worked for years at the VA hospital in Albuquerque as a counselor.

Sadly, several years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and declined very quickly. 

When I saw her in September, she was unable to carry on a conversation. When I arrived, she looked up at me and smiled. I said to her, “Hi Debbie, it’s your cousin, Trish”  She looks straight at me and replied, “I know.”  That was the most comprehendible conversation we had that day. 

I asked her to take a picture before I left. I held up the phone and smiled to take a selfie.  She leaned her head over to touch mine and shut her eyes.

I am forever grateful for the visit that day. When I got home in Washington, I reflected on my visit with her. I felt she would grieve if she understood, she would not want to live that way.  I told my husband I never want to live that way.  Just existing with all dignity and autonomy lost. 

Finally, it is winter. It is dark, dreary and cold outside. I feel dark, dreary and cold inside.  

A slowly brewing state of grief, downheartedness, and sorrow in my soul. 

Praying this season in my soul passes quickly. When winter is over I pray I will see and feel the new hope of spring. 

Deborah Ruth – Rest in Peace

Gladys

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Sharing a verse from 1978 written by my mother about her cousin Gladys. It is about a person that loved her through a time of loss and change.

In tribute to Gladys 12/31/33 – 8/23/20

GLADYS

Once, so many years ago; a time came in my life: a time of change-

    A change of place, a change of face, a change of family came into my life –

Once so many years ago; once so many years ago I gained a sister in my life-

    Not a REAL sister – in that way-I wasn’t blessed, once so many years ago.

This sister that I did acquire, once so many years ago, was truly of the family,

    The family kind; because as close as we could come was through our mothers,

Once so many years ago; For 14 years we did not know, this sister of mine-

    We did not know that such a closeness, a love, a kindredship could exist.

Once so many years ago.

Sometimes I wonder as I think back on once so many years ago, if there might –

    Just might have been some unspoken thoughts between us two; so many years ago,

Unspoken thoughts that may have said—I don’t want you here—you intrude—intrude

    On me and my family – go away – Did she think these things, many years ago?

Once so many years? If she did – she didn’t say – didn’t say these things out –

    Out loud to me, once so many years ago.  We fussed, we played, we grew,

We fell in Love ( Oh! How many times?) Once so many years ago. 

    Such great, great things. Great things as we plundered through the years,

Once so many years ago.

Once so many years ago, 14 can seem so old, so old we really thought we were,

    Once so many years ago—we thought we knew just everything, just all the-

The world was at our feet — boy we were really dumb, once so many years ago.

    Once so many years ago? Ha! Have we ever changed? This “sister” and l –

Have we changed from once go many years ago? This “sister” is my cousin, my

    Cousin, or did you know? This cousin that I loved so dear, so many years ago!

No we haven’t changed from once so many years ago—we haven’t changed, but years,

    Years have changed, changed us both, we’re not as near as once so many years ago.

But, Love? Yes love is there—is there any doubt it’s so? Any doubt it would not—

    Would not live—from once so many years ago? Oh yes – it lived, it lived and

And even grew – grew into a different kind of love from once so many years ago.

    We don’t climb trees, or run through orchards, or eat ice cream brunches,

Like once so many years ago. Or even sit on top of the bunk beds and play rummy —

    Yes, for hours, once so many years ago. There are so many things that over,

Over, over the years we’ve out-grown, since once so many years ago.  When we —

    When we were only 14, only 14, so many years ago and thought the world was ours.

Once so many years ago, are days l won’t forget, wouldn’t want to even If I could—

    Could forget those years – those years before we grew so fast and grew away—

Away each other in miles, in miles but never in thoughts, in miles but— 

    But once in a while. not often, but once in a while—a letter, a talk, a talk,

Once go many years ago – I had “sister-cousin” — once so many years ago, and yet

     Tho’ oh so many years have passed, I have that sister still—to share our—

Our thoughts, our loves, our disappointments, our sorrows, our plans for things–

    For things yet to come, to come to our children, things that maybe we missed.

We missed once so many years ago —Missed?  Us? No we didn’t miss out-out on any –

    On anything once so many years ago, because I had a sister to love and who–

Who loved me in return, even tho’ it was never said; said outloud, but still —

   Still was there and is today, the love, I have for her, Gladys, this sister –

Whom I love today and never see, oh, seldom, yes but

   Not like once so many years ago, when 14 was  just

Just the age to be — with Gladys

Once so many years ago.

HPVHA 2-16-78

Life and Loss

emyloom 1 Comment

Life is trying these days. So much adjusting. Adjusting to a virus that has us second guessing each move. A virus that takes its greatest toll on the elderly — in loss of life and in loss of emotional support.

As I have written before my mother is in a nursing home facility in Texas. A facility that’s 2000 miles from me. I was visiting once every couple of months but once this virus hit I have been unable to visit. The facility was locked down on March 12.

Since that time I noticed a decline in my mother’s health, her mental health and physical. Every phone call she ask when I’m coming to see her. Every phone call I tell her no one can visit because of the virus. Every phone call I tell her the virus is everywhere.

She began asking about different family members and saying she was worried about them. She would say things like, “I wonder if they’re dead. Are they dead?”

One person she asked about often was her cousin Gladys, they were as close as sisters. A few months ago I was talking to my mother on an early Sunday morning and she asked those questions about Gladys.

Gladys lives in North Carolina. Only six months younger than my mother she has no dementia and lives a full life. So that morning I called Gladys then called my mom back and set up a three-way call. They talked for 45 minutes laughed and giggled just like schoolgirls. It was so sweet and Gladys was so patient with my mother as she repeated the same questions over again. The questions were mostly about the present because the past my mother remembered fully.

Sadly yesterday, I learned that Gladys had passed away, a casualty of the COVID-19 virus. Such a great loss to her family. She full of energy, so loving and giving to all around her. I loved to hear her speak, her southern accent so much like my grandmother’s in the way she called me darling drawn out into a melodic – “Daah-lynn’.”

Now I am faced with a choice as to whether I should tell my mother. One side of me leans toward not telling her. Her mental decline has been so noticeably great since this lock down. The other side of me faces the same old question can I/should I lie when she ask about her?

After am e-mail exchange with the social worker, Christy, (she is an angel on earth) I decide I will not tell her. Christy tells me my mother has days when she will have a moment of clarity and remember the loss of her step-son earlier this year. She mourns all over again and it takes days for her to recover. Just deflect the question or tell her Gladys is fine. I have decided on the latter.

After all, Gladys is fine, she is more than fine. She is in the Heavenly realms with her maker and the lover of her soul. They will meet again one day.