Last summer looking for some guidance, advise, help and yes, probably sympathy I joined a group called Caring for Elderly Parents.  I was trying to make decisions regarding my mother’s care.  I found all of the above there and after a few weeks I realized I was only one of many who were facing these challenging decisions. 

I have found there are no “one solution fits all all” answers. Also, rules vary state-to-state but I feel I have moved past the crucial decisions and accepted I did the best I could for my mother. I did it without the help of my biological siblings but with overwhelming love and support from my step-brother and sister who have shown their love and devotion to my mother in tangible ways.   

Some of the things I learned and my thoughts are listed below in the hopes some points may help others  on their  journey. 

1. Family. Even though you have siblings, you may be the only one willing to make decisions. I was lucky because even though mine did not participate, they were quite happy to relinquish any say in decisions I made.  I did not even waste my breath telling them how useless they were. They know it. They can live with their decisions, I can live with mine. 
2. Guilt!  It is awful, over-powering but do not let it defeat you.  My mother had fallen and broken her hip but for the 18 months prior to that her doctor had told me because of her dementia, the time was coming that she should not live alone.   I live 2200 miles away and had been making 3-4 trips a year to try and help her stay independent.   When the time came after recovering from the fall, she was walking and discussions were started about whether she could go home. At that point she ramped up the pressure.  “I want to go home! I want to go home! I don’t care if I go home and drop dead. I’m going home”.   It was a tortuous couple of weeks.  I, myself, vacillated day to day about the right decision. Accepting the fact your parent is aging and can no longer care for themselves is hard to believe and navigating that role reversal takes an emotional toll.  Don’t let anyone tell you what “you should” be doing. If only others could see the battle going on within your heart they would keep their opinions to themselves.  That also goes to companies that are trying to sell you something. There is one commercial that says…”because we promised Dad we’d keep mom at home.”  That commercial makes my blood boil. How dare they take advantage of the guilt burden we are already carrying.  Trust yourself, grieve, pray, rest when you can and don’t let anyone rush you. When it is right you will know. 
3. Debts.  One thing you may find is that your parents were good at hiding problems from you, a problem many experience.  Before my mother fell I had taken over paying her bills because she had lost the ability to track and manage funds as a result checks were bouncing in our joint account. Only after she fell, I found my mother had several credit cards with high balances that she was behind in the payments and she had never told me about. I called and tried to explain the situation.  I told them I could make very minimum payments for her which I did out of her funds.  When it was decided she would not go home, I called and told them she could no longer make these payments as the state would be taking all of her funds for her care. They tried to pressure me to pay her debt. Don’t do it. Any funds you have you may need to buy personal supplies for your parent. My mom is left with only $60 a month to buy toiletries, medical supplies, or snacks. Use your money to care for your parent. The credit card company agreed to take the risk of extending credit, I did not.   If they want to sue an 85 year old for a debt, although large for her it is small potatoes for them, well let them try.  I learned that in TX where my mother lives there are protections for Social Security funds. So sorry Capital One but we are done.  
4. Trust. Trust but verify. After my mother fell the lady handling her Medicaid application at the nursing facility kept assuring me they had filed an application. After months of checking in with her, I called one day and found she had been dismissed… no application had ever been filed. I finally processed the application myself. It took many calls to the state and oftentimes just calling back and getting another person is worth the trouble.  If you find someone that actually knows what they are talking about,  see if you can get their direct line!  
5. Document. Trying to keep all the details of this period taxed my sixty-something brain.  I got a spiral notebook and started documenting everything. Calls to the nursing facility, calls to her utilities and other bills, passwords for her accounts on state agencies and even calls to my mother. Often day-to-day it was interesting to see what she remembered one day that was gone the next. It has been a valuable tool and also serves as a journal to remind you how far you have come and reassure you that you will make through to tomorrow, to next week or month.  I call my book, “The Book of Mother. “
6. Forgive. Finally but not least, forgive yourself, forgive your parent and try to forgive others. Through my own journey, I went through a multitude of emotions and feelings about my mother.  Love, sadness, anger, frustration and sorrow.   The hardest to deal with was anger… I was angry that my mother hid things from me, angry because I felt she was  being manipulative and then I was angry at myself for feeling angry.   It happens.  I have someone I can voice these feelings of anger to without feeling judged and that helps, because I think more than anything it was an anger that I didn’t want to accept the fact that my mother was getting old.  Many of these things, although she may have done them in the past,  she was not doing them purposefully now.  Now I try to direct my anger at the disease that takes away your mind and independence.  Forgive others… that is difficult. I won’t go into depth here but just know, the evil in man’s heart knows no bounds and it shocks me to know what people will do and how they will take advantage of the elderly.  Thankfully there are fewer of these people and more of the loving and giving types. 

I am running low on thoughts for now. It has been 5 months since my mother’s doctor told her she could not go back to her home of 45 years.  I am now in the process of dismantling my mother’s life and possessions even though she is still here, that has it’s own challenges. My mother told me the other day that she didn’t want to go home anymore. ❤️ I think the past few years she was battling to survive physically and mentally, but now is cared for and loved.  She feels safe and can rest for the rest of her retirement years.