Blue skies smilin’ at me Nothin’ but blue skies do I see Blue days, all of them gone Nothin’ but blue skies from now on. ~ Irving Berlin 1926
Thankful today for everyday of life. Life is a precious gift, yet so fragile. I try to remind myself that each day could be the last, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
I have shared this quote from many times from Reporter Lee Cowan at CBS who said, [tragedies] serve … “as reminder that we don’t get to set life’s clock.” and that while we all think we have a tomorrow to say whatever we need to say sometimes tomorrow never comes.
I want to live purposefully, with gratitude and hope for the blue skies in my future.
(Actually blue skies with big white fluffy clouds are my favorite ❤️ the clouds seems like big happy puffs or whipped cream floating by.)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I am thankful today to know that God knows already the plans He has for me. So often because of my weakness and the worries that I stress over, doubts creep in. The accuser sees my weakness and starts to chip away at my resolve. I need to remind my self of the MANY TIMES that God provided.
I’m struggling now with worries and tough decisions. I toss and turn for solutions and I remind myself several times a day… He says, “I know the plans I have for you.”
In my human condition the problem is that the anxiety sneaks in. As much as I think it would help, I cannot not see the future or predict the outcome of decisions. I pray for guidance in those decisions and trust Him when He says His plans are not for “harm” but to give me “hope.”
He always provides a way. I just need to wait, keep the faith and be patient.
Hebrews 11:1 says, ” Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.“
After yesterday’s post I feel I was put to the test to… “find the good in every situation.” It was as if I posted it and satan mocked me with a challenge. I reminded myself all day that there is good even in this situation. Answers not so much yet.
I struggled through last night, woke up early. Today’s quote is another reminder. I can respond with worship.
Along that line, I am putting my ear buds in and playing some of my most loved worship songs. Many of these are from my friend and psalmist, Pam Singer.
Her voice is so rich and her music comes from her heart. It draws me deeper into a peace that only comes from God.
There is a link in yesterday’s post to one of Pam’s songs. No video. Just close your eyes and listen.
“I have learned that in every circumstance that comes my way, I can choose to respond in one of two ways: I can whine or I can worship! And I can’t worship without giving thanks. It just isn’t possible. When we choose the pathway of worship and giving thanks, especially in the midst of difficult circumstances, there is a fragrance, a radiance, that issues forth out of our lives to bless the Lord and others.” ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss
With the deepest love and gratitude, one person I am eternally thankful to is Chrissie. First and foremost, for loving me and my sons; for providing stability, for his hard work, for his generosity to others, for his optimism that never seems to fade, for loving me even when I was unlovable and never giving me reason to doubt that love. His love has helped me to trust again and not fear rejection or loss.
More importantly, I thank God for the big things and the small things in life. I thank him for provision, for showing me again and again that He is ever present. I thank him for the blue sky, for the peacefulness and beauty after the snow, for the multitude of flowers, for the people He has put on my path to help through this journey.
He arranged reconnections that brought parts of my family back together and chance meetings of friends in the most unlikely places. I thank him for the basics of life, food, shelter, friends. I thank Him that even though I toss and turn in my doubts, He never has given up on me.
“Thankful that in this ever changing world there are some things that remain the same and bring balance to my life. Day and night rise and fall; the seasons change, sunshine comes after rain, young people still fall in love, children are born and the old pass away. There is a rhythm and flow to life that encourages me to tune out the noise and remind myself I am not in control of these things but a never changing God is and He never forgets to take care of the details.” ~ Me 11/15/21
It seems like it should be automatic each day to be thankful for every blessing, even the next second in time and the next breath I take. So often I fall short. May gratitude always be on my heart.
“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say thank you ” ― William Arthur Ward
Thankful Monday #1: With the deepest love and gratitude, one person I am eternally thankful to is Chris. First and foremost, for loving me and my sons; for providing stability, for his hard work, for his generosity to others, for his optimism that never seems to fade, for loving me even when I was unlovable and never giving me reason to doubt that love. His love has helped me to trust again and not fear rejection or loss.
More importantly, everyday I thank God for the big things and the small things in life. I thank him for provision, for showing me again and again that He is ever present. I thank him for the blue sky, for the peacefulness and beauty after the snow, for the multitude of flowers, for the people He has put on my path to help through this journey.
He arranged reconnections that brought parts of my family back together and chance meetings of friends in the most unlikely places. I thank him for the basics of life, food, shelter, friends. I thank Him that even though I toss and turn in my doubts, He never has given up on me.
“Thankful that in this ever changing world there are some things that remain the same and bring balance to my life. Day and night rise and fall; the seasons change, sunshine comes after rain, young people still fall in love, children are born and the old pass away. There is a rhythm and flow to life that encourages me to tune out the noise and remind myself I am not in control of these things but a never changing God is and He never forgets to take care of the details.” ~ Me 11/ 15/ 2021
Birthdays, to date, I have had 69. Strangely enough, I don’t remember, not even one from my childhood.
I don’t remember my 21st birthday. At the time I lived in Anchorage, AK, and I had two children. I know I didn’t go out and have the first “legal drink” because I rarely drank alcohol until I was in my fifties.
At 30, all I care to remember is that it was a very sad day. On this birthday, I had been living in Washington State for a little over a year. I had moved here with Chris just months after we married. I thought it would be a new and exciting change for me. I always dreamed of Seattle and thought it must be a magical place from watching the 60’s TV show, “Here Come the Brides.”
The alluring theme song just made me want to go there and see for myself. “ The bluest skies you’ve ever seen in Seattle, And the hills the greenest green in Seattle. Like a beautiful child growing up free and wild Full of hopes and full of fears Full of laughter full of tears Full of dreams to last the years in Seattle.”
I came here with lots of dreams for a full life but just like the song goes there were fears and tears as well.
On my 30th birthday I had a fifteen year old son who was going through his own trials. Hard to be fifteen but being uprooted and moved to a new state compounded those issues. It was hard on both of us.
I had a cake, but it was no celebration. Someone took a picture anyway.
Thirty
Fast forwarding through the next 20 years — I have no recollection at all of any celebrations. But, 50, that was a birthday to remember.
Chris and my friend, Sho, secretly conspired together to give me a wonderful birthday weekend. The day before my birthday, Sho and her partners in crime (Yohanna and Rita) took me out on a long day trip to the Olympic Peninsula. Naturally I became suspicious as the day went on and on. It soon became apparent that we were not headed home and I was not sure what the end game was.
Late in the afternoon we arrived at the Manresa Castle in Port Townsend. The castle was built in 1892 by a local businessman and first mayor of Port Townsend, Charles Eisenbeis. After his death the castle was remained empty for the next 25 years. Then in 1927, it was purchased by the Jesuit priests who used as a training college. In 1968 the building was sold again and converted to a hotel. The hotel is rumored to be haunted but it seems all old hotels have that status.
I was told were going to have a girls weekend not just an outing. When were in the lobby checking in, I looked up and saw Josh, my youngest son. That’s when the surprise unfolded.
Chris had invited many of my friends to a weekend birthday celebration. He reserved rooms for them all (of course with Sho’s help) and organized a catered buffet dinner in the dining room.
Along with Chris and Josh were my older sons, Aaron from Denver and Adam from California. Friends from my church family were there, Jennifer, Karen, Ann, Madeline and Mal, Phil and Carolyn, and Becky and Pat. In addition these social friends, co-workers and neighbors were there: Tony and Jen, George and Julie, Tom and Jean, Howard and Ruth and last but not least, my old friend Jim came up from California.
It was a wonderful evening filled with love from my family and these special people in my life. Several of these lovely people got up and said lots of really sweet and kind things about their relationship with me. It was a very humbling experience.
One thing I found very bizarre about the event was that my two worlds collided that day. My spiritual family/friends and my secular friends were there at the time and the same place. It was really an interesting coming together of people who knew me in very different ways.
Sho gave me a book to write about my day and thoughts on life with each passing birthday. I have to admit I kept it up for a few years, but fell behind. Below is an excerpt from that first entry…
September 2005 – Wow, it’s my 50th birthday! Who would have ever thought, but it must be true about getting up early as you get older because I woke up at 4:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid awake for a while hoping the old hotel didn’t really have any lost souls wandering around. That thought passed quick enough as I had to visit the facilities and nothing grabbed me on my way in the dark.
My dear sweet Chrissie did manage to surprise me with a wonderful birthday at Manresa Castle. Not only did he surprise me he managed to get my sons and about 25 of my most favorite people here as well. Done — all with the help of Ms. Shoshana and Ms. Yohanna. Those two fibbers… more like those two lovers of my soul.
While lying awake in bed I said a prayer of thanks for my friends… I should have more faith and trust, all of my friends love me…. and I am truly blessed by their presence here today.
So here I am today at sixty-nine. How did I get here? I feel like I am about 42, and the realization that I will be 70 next year I find hard to comprehend. The years have flipped by faster than pages in a book.
This morning I once again I woke up at 4:30 and thanks to social media my spirits were immediately boosted by dozens of well wishes from family and friends.
In the 19 years since my 50th celebration at Manresa Castle, some of the friends that attended have passed on, others moved on to different towns and states, and several others just moved on. Thankfully, the majority are still in my life. They are still loving me, supporting me and celebrating me.
I imagine next year at 70 there will be some kind of big to-do. Now I’m thinking if you make it to 70, one really should celebrate. After all life is short and we should really celebrate every year God has granted us.
The post below from 11 years ago came up today on my Facebook page. It serves to remind me of a most desperate time in our family’s lives when our youngest son was facing serious health issues caused by Inflammatory Bowel Disease. This was only the first of life threatening events he would face over the next 11 years. Almost one year later to the date he nearly bled to death after a procedure where an arterial vein was accidentally clipped.
My heart begins to beat faster as I read my thoughts from 2013 and I relive the horror of those days. How could someone so young, become so ill, so quickly? It is IBD, and the myriad of other complications and chronic health conditions that sometimes accompany it, and tragically IBD has no cure.
For my son, it is accompanied by auto-immune pancreatitis, which has led to diabetes; the steroids that he has been given over the years to control inflammation have led to bone deterioration; the five different immune suppressing drugs he has worked his way through can all have horrible side effects including cancer. Three of these drugs proved ineffective, one he had an extreme allergic reaction to and we are praying the current one will show some effectiveness.
Eleven years, and sometimes I still think that “from this side it looks like nothing is happening”… He has been hospitalized annually for months at time, with bowel obstructions, bleeding, inflammation, pancreatitis, and sepsis. I have worried, fretted, prayed and pleaded with God. Some days I think he has closed his ears to my prayers.
I think those things, but I don’t believe they are true. I remember examples in the bible of men, men like David, Job and Paul, all men whom God loved and men who honored and loved God; yet they still suffered. Even, after all these years, I still believe God is in control and he has a plan for my son’s life.
May 19 was World IBD Day. It is a day set aside to bring awareness about IBD and to support the 10 million people worldwide that live with this disease. I will continue to pray. I pray for a cure. A cure so no one has to suffer any longer.
June 6, 2013 – For the past few days sitting quietly contemplating the events of the past two weeks, I have tried fitting the pieces into place. Where the huge decision we faced two weeks ago was to commit to the Remicade treatment. How insignificant that decision seems now. Only three days later Josh was facing major surgery and a few days after that a second surgery and then third surgery to control bleeding – to the point his life was in the balance.
When the bleeding started again three days later Josh again was rushed to ICU. There nurse Steve was methodically checking drains, monitoring his heart rate, drawing blood. Inside I was panicking, remembering Friday evening, wondering why they weren’t starting the transfusions because Friday it had taken so long to get the blood it seemed life was ticking away.
I, trying to remain calm, said to Steve, “you know from this side it looks like nothing is happening.”
He reassured me. He said that they had Josh’s blood type on hand, that if he needed they could get it within minutes, that they want to check the hematocrit levels, monitoring the rate of output on the drains, access whether the bleeding was slowing — do things carefully and in timely manner. Make sure every decision is based on the least risk to Josh’s health. In the end, they did give Josh more plasma and blood; and with that the bleeding stopped.
So I’m here thinking about all of these things and I hear my words to Steve: “From this side it looks like nothing is happening.”
I think sometimes I do the same thing with God. I pray about situations, the future, what God’s plans are for my life and sometimes from this side it appears nothing’s is happening; but I understand that even though it appears that nothing is happening, God is in control. He knows all the details of our lives. He knows all the pieces that must fit together perfectly. He knows when we need life sustaining blood and when more extreme intervention is needed. He also knows when we just need to wait as he watches our vitals, checks where we are losing strength and then he refills us.
I have heard it said, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” I suppose that how others remember you, may well be the same. However, I do want to be remembered.
The question is, how? How will I be remembered?
Looking back on my life, I have no doubt some will have negative memories of me. I have negative memories of myself for things that I did or said and regrets over relationships that I walked away from, poor moral judgement, anger that I could not or did not control.
Others, the ones that matter, will hopefully remember that I always let them know that I cared about them and loved them. I have tried to share my blessings with others, be supportive and listen when they deal with the trials of life. Maybe they’d see or remember these things.
I hope they remember me as a person who was an overcomer, that regardless of my rough start in life, I was always striving to improve myself and not let hardships knock me down for long.
Most importantly, I want to be remembered by God. He knows my struggles, my doubts, my failings and the times that I heard His voice and followed His call. I pray I never hear “I never Knew you; depart from me…”1
“Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions; According to Your lovingkindness remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord.” 2
He’s in the hospital again. Swedish hospital in Seattle. I was going to see him last night, but it was so dark and pouring rain that I struggled about whether I should go or not. In the end I decided against it.
This morning I heard on the news that there had been a terrible accident on the interstate westbound to Seattle. After the accident one of the drivers tried to cross the eastbound lanes of I-90 and was hit and killed. It seems I was wise to follow my instinct and better judgment, or could it have been God leading me to make a wise choice.
Tonight, the rain had eased up, so I went to Seattle. On the way home at 8PM the traffic was still heavy, it was dark and had started to rain heavily. I turned on some music to relieve some stress. Two songs came on my Apple Music one after the other, and I repeated them all the way home. The first was this one by Kris Kristofferson ~ “Why me Lord?”
This video tells the moving back story of Kristofferson‘s song.
He wrote the song after a spiritual experience he had in 1972. He attended a church service and during the invitation he was overpowered with the love and forgiveness from Yeshua (Jesus). The song imparts his feelings of unworthiness of such love from God.
On a side note, hearing this song brought back memories of my youngest son when he was about 5 years old. Once when the song was playing, he wondered why KK was saying “Why Me Lord?” He thought maybe he was asking God why his voice was so deep. ❤️
The second was “Fall On Me” by Joel Chernoff. It is duet with Sharon Wilber. It is a love song and a plea to the Lord to touch one’s life and be filled with the spirit of God. It reminded me that God is faithful and I only need ask for more of him.
My spirit has been struggling of late like many others. I look around and see all the anger, all the immorality, all the suffering and mostly all the hate and it is disheartening. Added to that is the anxiety that comes when Josh is in the hospital. I wonder will he ever know a cure, or will he suffer endlessly? I have a deep nagging fear that he is slowly dying because if the disease and it’s comorbidities don’t take his life, the strong medications he takes to suppress his immune system will. Many of these drugs come with warning that than can cause cancer. He is currently on his fifth one after having four others fail.
This morning, while driving into work another song played. It was “My Grace” by my friend in Israel, Pam Singer. In her lyrics she asks, “Is this Grace enough? Will tender mercies see me through?”
The reply she hears is: “My Grace Enough, My tender mercies new everyday. I crown your life with strength and loving kindness. My eyes are on you. My presence near My ear would hear the cry of your heart. I call you Mine, beloved forever. My Grace Enough.”
So what is the point of all my rambling here.
1. I was worried about not going to see Josh on Wednesday evening, but later discovered that by not going, I was saved from the interstate shutdown and accident.
2. After I went last night, I left feeling dispirited and out of the 900+ songs in my music library, two songs came on that reminded me that, a) I have done nothing to deserve God’s blessings and love and, b) all I have to do is ask him to fill me again, and again each day with his spirit.
3. This morning Pam’s song played as a reminder that no matter what I am going through, not matter what I am agonizing over, God’s Grace is enough. He hears me. He knows my heart and I am loved by Him.
Hebrews 11:1 says, ” Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Last night I read Mitch Albom’s book “Have a Little Faith.” In some ways I could relate to his journey and like him, I have had times that my relationship with God was distant, but I have never walked away. In the past I had periods of time when my faith was weak but the older I am the stronger my faith has become.
I once read that faith is not just the belief in something unseen but it is total complete trust in something. Trust for me was a building process because of my childhood I have struggled with trust. Not just trust in God, but trust in family and trust in friends.
However, over time I have experienced many examples of true love and compassion from all of these. I have a small group of friends and select family that have proved themselves faithful time and time again.
In the same way, God has shown me His compassion, His love, His strength, and each time it gave me one more brick of faith and trust to stand on. When trials come, I have those bricks from His past faithfulness to rely on for the courage to face each day. Where I once fell apart, I may now mourn and grieve but I know God has a plan and He will see me to the other side.
The amazing thing is that before my trust was weak and wishful, it is now a solid and a sure belief that no matter what the world says, my trust is built on evidence of His care and love. It is in this, that my faith is strong.
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” ~ Psalm 91:1-2 NKJV
Photo courtesy of Unsplash – Alex Shute
*** Mitch Albom is a best selling author and his books always have a lesson or experience. in which I strongly relate. The book “Have a Little Faith,” is a true story in which he speaks of his faith and a relationship with his Rabbi and a Christian pastor and what he learned from each of them. It was released in 2009 but if you’d like to read it you can find good preowned copies online.
With a little less than 48 hours left in 2023, I found this note that keeps popping up that I wrote in 2013. That year was a stressful hard year. My youngest son, a 22 year old college student, spent five months in the hospital, after three surgeries he had nearly exsanguinating bleed and spent weeks in the ICU.
Ten years later, I read these words and see that I made it through that year with the love and support of my family and friends. In reality we make it through every year with their support… with them, we make it through Life!
As I look back on 2023, I do so knowing that I followed my own advice here. I look forward to 2024 and as I often say, “I try to live everyday as if it might be my last at the base of the mountain near the river.”
Down to 48 hours left in 2013.
Going to think through the ups and downs, happiness and heartaches, blessings and curses, those who I lost and those who I still have close to love and appreciate. In that final group, my family and friends including you my Facebook friends and family, who encouraged me, prayed for my family and helped me through this long year.
I thank you and wish for you all a new year of success, warm times with your family, and peace.
I still remember the words from CBS reporter Lee Cowan after the marathon bombing. (The bombings) ” do remind us we don’t get to set life’s clock. While we may think we’ll have a tomorrow to say all the things we want to say, or should have said, what this week proved is that sometimes, that tomorrow doesn’t come — and the things left unsaid could end up one of our greatest regrets. “
Have no regrets. Tell your loved ones how much you care for them, forgive and heal old wounds if at all possible, if not forgive yourself. Live everyday to its fullest and if you are reading this know you are appreciated and loved by me. 💕
The question was posed, “If you had to go back in time and start a brand new career, what would it be?” Well, I would have to have had a career to begin with to start a “brand new” one. According to my Social Security record I have worked every year since 1972 except three. One was in 1974 when I was pregnant with AKA and moved to Alaska; and in 1991 and 1992 when Chris started SubTerra. I actually worked those two years, I just didn’t get paid!
I wouldn’t call anything I’ve done a career. I am just a worker bee. When I was young I was a very good student but I was much too timid and withdrawn and had no ambition to do or be anything. I know this sounds uninspiring but it is the truth.
As I got a little older and especially after I moved to Alaska, I became an ardent “people watcher.” I was often lonely and felt isolated thousands of miles from the rest of the US. Many nights I would go to the Anchorage airport and watch travelers come and go. I loved seeing the excitement and love people shared when they greeted each other or the emotional goodbyes as they parted.
In the early 80’s after I got my GED, I attended a local community college for a while and I was interested in knowing more about what made people “tick.” So at that time, and many times since then, I felt I might have been a good psychologist. I think I am a good listener and several times in my life I have met people that share some of the most personal things with me. Often these were strangers or people I just had met. Sometimes I wondered if there was something about my face that said, “I am a good listener!”
Anyway there it is… a Shrink.
In 1987 Chris and I had some discussion about careers and jobs, and although I do not remember exactly what brought about the discussion, the next day I wrote him a note about my feeling on the whole matter. My thoughts are below and my views are pretty much the same.
“I may not have a ‘career’ in the eyes of the world; but I feel my life has touched others in a positive way. I don’t have the need to prove myself to the entire world to show my life has value.
My goals and aspirations were sacrificed because of poor choices which I made while I was still a child. I believe I was given an above average intelligence by my Maker and I have benefited from it many times. I have nothing to boast about for my mothering; I’ve made many errors which I often wish I could change. I don’t want to look at what I could have been, but at who I am now; I am thankful for the life God has given me.
If my role in life from the world’s point-of-view is that of a ‘peon,’ then I am even more amazed at the wonders of God. My life may not change history, but if I try every day to live it and help others I know God will remember me when my life is over. This world offers no rewards…careers in this world are only temporary…I want to spend the rest of my life working at a career which would exemplify Christ’s life. My failure at a worldly career is of no consequence to me; my career success is yet to be determined.”
Someone asked me yesterday why I don’t celebrate Easter. When I was young and attended the Baptist church it was celebrated as the resurrection of Jesus but we also dyed and hid eggs. At Easter I would also get a new dress, shiney new white patent shoes, and sometimes a straw hat, Then when my children were little, we dyed and hid eggs and did those easter bunny things. That tradition as faded away as they grew older and their childhood faded too.
About 20 years ago, I began to attending a Messianic congregation and learned the significance of Passover as related to the death and resurrection. There they celebrated Resurrection Sunday. Which is the Sunday following Passover which interestingly enough falls in the same week this year.
Like Christmas, I feel Easter is a man-created day of celebration. In addition, the dates were set to closely following the winter solstice and spring equinox days which some believe where chosen satisfy the pagan beliefs as a substitute for their holidays they had celebrated at the same time.
The date for Easter was established by the Nicene Counsel in 325 AD. It is has no connection with the biblical time frame of the resurrection, i.e., Messiah held the last supper at a meal around the Passover time and he was represented as the sacrifice to redeem us from sin and bondage by his blood — just as a lamb was sacrificed and its blood placed on the doorpost to save the first born of the Hebrew people from death as the angel of death passed over their houses that were marked with the “blood of the lamb.”
See reference from Britannica below;
“Fixing the date on which the Resurrection of Jesus was to be observed and celebrated triggered a major controversy in early in which an Eastern and a Western position can be distinguished. The dispute, known as the Paschal controversies, was not definitively resolved until the 8th century. In Asia Minor, Christians observed the day of the Crucifixion on the same day that Jews celebrated the Passover offering—that is, on the 14th day of the first full moon of spring, 14 Nisan (see Jewish calendar). The Resurrection, then, was observed two days later, on 16 Nisan, regardless of the day of the week. In the West the Resurrection of Jesus was celebrated on the first day of the week, Sunday, when Jesus had risen from the dead. Consequently, Easter was always celebrated on the first Sunday after the 14th day of the month of Nisan. Increasingly, the churches opted for the Sunday celebration, and the Quartodecimans (“14th day” proponents) remained a minority. The Council of Nicaea in 325 decreed that Easter should be observed on the first Sunday following the first full moonafter the spring equinox (March 21). Easter, therefore, can fall on any Sunday between March 22 and April 25.”
So in the end, I celebrate nothing religious on days that were designated by men. It is just my own personal thing. I don’t judge or criticize or place any significance to anyone who revers this holiday or Christmas. It is my own personal conviction and belief.
There is more but I won’t jump down that bunny trail. So Happy Resurrection Day and however we celebrate or recognize it, we should do it with a sincere and thankful heart.
Sunday is Mother’s Day, nearly a year since my mother passed and a final of firsts for me, my first Mother’s Day without my mother and the final event of the past year of marking each first without her.
Last Mother’s Day, I flew to Texas to see my mom and I realized it would be our last together. Since her surgery the prior October, her health had dramatically declined. Over the years I tried to travel to see her on Mother’s Day and her birthday. They were special occasions for her, ones that if missed, she would feel slighted and perhaps unloved.
Those set apart occasions that the greeting card and florist benefit from are not so important to me. I appreciate the love and attention I receive year-round, sometimes it is just a simple text to say “Hi” or “I am thinking of you.” Expressions that are sent without any expectation because of designated day are cherished in my heart.
Understand, my mother got many many expressions of my love throughout the year but those days were especially important to her, perhaps an old traditional way of thinking that this was a day set aside for Mothers, and because of that, she expected recognition and honor and I honored her.
In 2001, my mother came to visit me at Mother’s Day. We attended a Ladies Luncheon to honor mothers. The women in the group each wrote a short portrayal of their mother and shared it. Here is what I wrote May 12, 2001.
My mother was named Helen Patricia but she prefers to be called Patsy.One thing I admire about my mother is that she is able to get up in front of people and speak. Something I didn’t inherit from her. However, I really wanted to share something about her today. She lives in Texas; she writes poetry; she teaches and speaks to Women’s Groups at other Churches; she has been involved in the leadership of Girl Scouts. I grew up in a home with a believing, prayerful, faithful mother in the South at a time when prejudices and hatred surrounded us. But I grew up knowing no prejudice. My mother loved people; all people, she taught and had respect for everyone and she would do all she could to help others.For several years my mother was a single mom with three young children and although we did not have a lot, my mother always had something to share with others who had less. Whether it was a place to stay; a few dollars; a meal or just watching someone’s children so they could work. She always shared whatever she hadwith a grateful heart. My mother has also always had a love for elderly ladies. Today she teaches the senior ladies’ Sunday school class at her church and she has for the past twenty years. So many times people are too busy for the elderly, but my mother loves each one of her ladies as if they were her own mother or grandmother. She takes the time to be with them, look after them, minister to them.She would tell you that she has learned so much from these ladies and receives immeasurable blessings from knowing them. Over the years my mother has seen most all of her class go home to be with the Lord. At one time she had twenty ladies in her class now she has only four. The oldest is Mae; she is 104. Mae never had any children. Every week, my mother goes to her house, washes her dishes, answers her mail, brings her lunch and sits and eats lunch with her.When I go to visit my mother, I go around and visit with her ladies too. They tell me how sweet my mother is and I’d have to agree.
Now, Mother’s Day is a day with no plane trips, no cards, no flowers, no brunch but years’ worth of Mother’s Day memories. I pray where ever her spirit is today she knows that I tried to show her that I loved her. After this “final first” celebration without my mother, I wonder if I will begin to let go and not remind myself on each special day that she is gone or how many months have passed since she left? Will special occasions just be that or will they always be one without my mother?
Happy Mother’s Day, Mother. I did all I could to show my love, I hope you felt it.
Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only.
~ Samuel Butler
I have to say this quote, at first, made me chuckle. I try to avoid mirrors as most days I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me… some days she is just an old lady and other times I see my mother.
After my initial amusement, I thought about the true depth of this quote and it cuts right to the truth of the condition of our human nature. Deep down I have nothing to brag about. When I examine my heart, I recognize my dark thoughts, my pride, my self-centered actions, and the many other ugly things that hide beneath the surface. Thank God that I do not see the blackness in my heart every time I look into a mirror.
Jeremiah 17:9 NIV says. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
It is hard to understand the evil that men do; I struggle to understand the things I do at times that I know displeases God. However, I am thankful that God knows me, he examines my heart and He can lead me, renew His spirit in me and help me walk in His ways and live a life that glorifies Him.
Who can understand it? God can. He understands it, He can change it, He can heal it.
Psalm 139: 23-24 NASB ~ Search me, God, and know my heart; Put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 41:10 BSB ~ Create in me a pure heart, oh, God, and renew your right Spirit within me.
Ezekiel 36:26- ~ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you and bring it about that you walk in My statutes, and are careful and follow My ordinances.
Tomorrow, I say my final goodbye to the person who gave me life, my mother. She crossed the threshold from this earth into her heavenly home on Pentecost Sunday, the day God sent His Spirit as a comforter, a helper and a friend.
I had been sitting by her bedside for ten days. The last five she was unresponsive, “resting peacefully” the nurses would say. However the days that proceeded those she suffered so much pain it broke my heart to hear her cries.
Sunday morning, I whispered in her ear, “Today is Pentecost Mother, the day God sent his spirit to earth. Perhaps he will come today to take you home.”
My mother needed the comfort, help and friendship from the Holy Spirit these past few months and weeks. She relied on Him from the time she was 16. He was her stronghold and guide through many difficult days.
It was ten long days of saying goodbye, of singing hymns, of holding her hand, of listening to sweet anecdotes from staff and others that loved her.
I thought I was prepared, I thought I would be relieved, but the moment her spirit left her body and she took her last breath, as peaceful as it was, the reality that she was gone overwhelmed me with a flood of emotion that was unexpected.
The truth is, no matter how many days you prepare yourself, there are very few sorrows in life that are as deep as losing your Mother.
It has been a long week sitting at Mother’s bedside. She is still with us and she has not had food or drink in 3 days. We are not eager to let her go but want her suffering to end.
On Wednesday night the nurse said that she felt Mother is waiting on someone. I told the only one who has not said goodbye (of her children) is my brother who is an alcoholic. They had not spoken in ten years. I told her that I cannot call him as the last calls I had with him were abusive.
I told my mother on Tuesday that if she was waiting to hear from Howard, it was ok to go because God was going to handle it and he’d explain it all once she was in heaven.
Yesterday, Thursday, we talked to the social worker about calling him. The social worker did call my brother and he agreed to speak to Mother. Miracles of miracles, he was decent and told her he loved her and it was ok to go. Actually he said more than I ever hoped for or expected. He tried to bring up their past relationship issues and the social worker told him “That is in the past, this is now, and your Mother needs to know you’ll be ok when she leaves.”
I could have never had that conversation with him, it would have ended in an abusive tiraid.
When the night nurse came in, she told us that after we left on Wednesday night a young aid came on duty who had a good relationship with Mother. After she went down to check on Mother, she came back and asked “Has Mrs Patsy been verbal at all?” The nurse told her she had not been for days. The the aid said, “She just told me ‘I am waiting for somebody’ “
We told the night nurse about the call to my brother. She called the aid at home on her day off and brought the phone to us so she could tell us exactly what happened.
I pray that ‘someone’ was my brother and she can now be released from the cares and worries of this world and move onto glory.
Ten minutes after the call to the aid she showed up to see us. She was so young and sweet. She told us she would dance down the halls with Mother on the way to the showers and how Mother want to be sure she didn’t lose any of her big bobby-pins. Oh my, we all knew about those wave holding bobby-pins and we all laughed. I know if Mother could still hear she was laughing with us. It was a sweet, sweet moment.
Today is Friday, May 21. Say a prayer that God will call her home.
This morning I received my first Covid19 vaccine. My appointment invitation came through my doctor’s office on January 19, and was scheduled at an affiliate hospital. Three days before my original appointment date, I received an e-mail to say they had cancelled my appointment to prioritize second doses. A second e-mail informed me the vaccination was rescheduled two weeks away and the location had been move to the Microsoft campus in Redmond. When it comes to change with things I am uncomfortable with in the first place, I do not react well. This was no exception.
Now generally, I am not a conspiracy-prone type of person. However, there is so much good/bad and true/false information out there, it leaves one struggling about what to believe or who to trust. First of all, I have several friends and acquaintances who for moral and/or religious reasons are adamantly opposed to the vaccine and they had been bombarding my mailbox with videos from every well meaning, self-proclaimed expert and God-fearing prophet in the ether. Secondly, I am 65 and I have only ever gotten one flu shot and that was only because I was caring for my son who was extremely ill and immune compromised. I am not an anti-vaxer; I am cautious about foreign substances in my body and even the “experts” have changed their stories. Finally, I do believe God sends us signs and messages and I have been praying for answers. When the original appointment was cancelled then moved further away to a campus that has thousands of people, I began to question whether or not I should go. Maybe it is a sign I should not, and I have had the past two weeks to fret over the issue.
Awake at 4 AM, I go downstairs to search out some final truth about this vaccine. I send a Whats-app message to a friend in Israel who has received the vaccine in hopes of gleaning some knowledge from her. She messaged back that the congregation there is online streaming a worship service. I tune in and was encouraged by the message and song. Then I searched for a God-lead perspective and I find an organization that I trust. This organization had a podcast that discussed the vaccine, the origins of the cell-lines used to test it and the moral ethical issues surrounding the use. The video that followed that one was from ZDoggMD, a doctor I have listened to in the past who has a podcast where he openly and honestly gives easy to understand explanations on medical issues. I listen to his podcast and his experience with the vaccine and why many, as he himself did, have a stronger reaction to the second dose.
By this time I have decided to go to the appointment at Microsoft and take everything one step at a time.
As you can imagine, the vaccination center there was very, very organized. People greeted me warmly at the door as I walk into a sectioned off area with attendants in plexiglass booths. They ask to see the QR Code that was sent, took my temperature and gave me a sticker to wear that says, “I’ve been screened.” (Later when it in a mirror notice it is upside down…I was in a a daze and my glasses weren’t on). I was sent down a long roped off hallway to the next check-point where they again ask to see the QR Code on my phone. Another person greeted me and took me into a room with ten plexiglass booths, where I was asked to verify my name and address, show my ID and the QR code again. When I finished I was directed to the entrance of large room with about thirty vaccination stations; there I was escorted to one of the stations, each manned with a nurse and a tech (also encased in plexiglass). The tech verified my QR Code again and the nurse greeted me and asked my name.
Now this is were things get interesting. I smile and although we all have masks on, I can see she smiles back. I tell her that I am very apprehensive about getting this vaccination. This nurse, Kim, is so kind and understanding; she tells me not to worry that I have an old nurse that she has retired from Swedish Hospital (we discover later she is really not that old… just a few months younger than me.) I tell her my son is in Swedish Hospital right now with a bowel blockage. She says she had a blockage and a resection once and that she knows all the GI’s down there.
As she starts to name names, I ask, “Do you know Dr Menon?”
She replies, “Oh my gosh he is the sweetest man.” (I agree, in many of my stories from 2013, I talk about what a guardian angel he was when my son was so very ill.)
She tells me she was in charge of the ER in the hospital where Dr. Menon did his residency and she says half jokingly that she trained him. We go on to have this semi-Love-Fest conversation about Dr Menon. I get her name and tell her I will let him know that I saw her.
The final step in this journey is waiting in a large conference room for the prescribed 15 minutes to pass to insure there is no adverse reaction to the vaccine. Ten numbered rows, ten chairs each spaced six feet apart. By time I reach my chair I am elated. All my anxiety and angst have flown away. Was this a coincidence? Or was it confirmation that even in the littlest things in life, God knows our hearts and cares for us? He, in the most amazing way, set up the plan to put my mind at ease and comfort me.
I was going to title this “God’s Care and Love – Part II” but when I got back to the office I messaged my friend in Israel to tell her the story. She replied, “Wonderful story! God kissed you today!”
Emyloom ~ Words Woven Within My Heart 