Author: emyloom

Cruising and a Swimming Tale

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All my friends are into cruises. Cruises to Alaska, cruises to the Bahamas, to Mexico and around South America. They love cruises, the food, the scenery, and dinner at the captains table.

I, however, have no interest in cruising. I do not even want to take a boat out on a lake. If I cant see the the bottom, I don’t want to be in anything that floats on water.

I like the pool (no deeper than 5 feet) I like the hot tub, especially with a gin and tonic in my hand, but basically anything that would require me to swim to stay alive, is out of the question. I have a healthy fear of water and this fear started at a young age, around age six.

I lived in a small south Texas town that had one community pool located on the edge of the town center; it had a large courtyard in front of the entrance. My memory says there was a fountain and a statue in the courtyard and to a little girl in Texas it appeared so modern and romantic.

When you entered he building your nostrils were hit with a strong smell of chlorine as you ventured towards the changing rooms the girls to the right, boys to the left. I’d skip barefoot with excitement into the locker rooms tiled floor to ceiling.

I can still envision the yellow-beige tile walls, the wire belonging baskets slightly rusted from the wet atmosphere. The baskets had a lock, after you locked it you’d pin the key, with the basket number attached, to your swim suit then exit through continuously running showers that lead to the pool. I loved this place.

When I was young, I often thought my mother was over-protective in many ways. I was the baby, the only girl and I used to resent the things my brothers could do that I was not allowed to do. Why could they do it? — Because they were boys.

Sorting through my memories now, I realize maybe my mother wasn’t so protective after all because when I was six, the summer after Kindergarten, my mother let me go to the afternoon pool time with the teenage girls that lived next door.

I am thinking now I was probably allowed to go because it was a hot Texas day and a few hours in the pool was perfect for cooling off. I was excited to go with them as no adult was going but their mother drove us and dropped us off. I was feeling very grown up.

Once in the pool, I happily splashed as I crawled along hanging onto the edges when a boy from my class approached me. His name I don’t remember and it is really not important, what is important was that he could swim. He was diving off the diving board, and he informed me that his dad was the lifeguard. Blah, blah, blah blah blah…. then it happened, he made fun of me because as he rightly said, I could not swim.

Well, as the conversation and the insults continued, I insisted that I could swim. After all, I was sure I could do anything my brothers could do or any boy for that matter. I was tired of being relegated to the “not for girls” category.

So having insisted I could swim, he put forth the challenge. We would go together and he would dive off the high-dive board and I would follow.

The desire to prove myself was strong, I was not go to back down even though I knew, I could not swim! We climbed the ladder together; when he reached the top he hustled down the to end of the diving board and jumped. Just that fast. It looked pretty easy.

I followed, I walked out to the end of the blue board and looked down. As I peered at the water below, I had a moment of wisdom and walked back towards the ladder. I reached the ladder and thought of how he was going to make fun of me, so I walked out to end of the board again and looked down… still not enough courage to jump. I walked back to the ladder. I looked out into the pool and I could see him at the edge watching me, laughing. So I made a final trip down the catwalk and jumped.

I don’t even remember the trip down, but I remember plunging into the water and the bubbles floating over my head. I sank to the bottom, floated up and sank again. The second time I surfaced I could hear the lifeguard’s whistle and the next thing I knew I was scooped up like a wet rag and pulled out of the pool.

I’ll never forget what the lifeguard said to me. He said, “I wondered about you when I saw you walk back and forth on the board.”

Yeah, well I was trying to prove something. Of course, I felt humiliated, but I did not lose because after all, I did jump.

The girls that brought me came and scolded me, the boy laughed at me and I spent the rest of the pool time sitting on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water. When the teens’ mother picked us up, I was the first one to get in the car and they followed shortly eager to tell her what I had done.

Her remark was, “I wondered why you were so dry.”

I said nothing when I got home but within a few minutes the neighbor came over and told my mother. Oh, the tears and the crying. I really didn’t understand why the fuss, I was still quite alive.

There you have it, this was my earliest attempt at risk-taking and I have been adverse to taking risk ever since. I took a risk once and that was enough to teach me a lesson.

So you see, I will not be going on any retirement cruises as all my friends are and if you hear I went out on the lake, fell overboard and drowned, please go looking for my killer because I do not like boats, I do not like deep water, and I still cannot swim.

Eight Years

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Not yet a decade but it seems like an eternity ago. I was struggling with things beyond my control. I had a crippling fear in my heart and I felt this overbearing sense of doom. Gripping fear, fear of loss, fear of what the future might hold. No way out. In all these these things I felt helpless and alone.

Now eight years later, I read my words from back then and see that even though I thought this was the depth of my worries, things did get worse and today the events remain unchanged. My husband and I have not conquered these thoughts but we have relinquished control, because the truth is in the bigger things of life, the things of life and death, we have no control. We can only have faith.

“He holds the life of every creature in his hand. He controls the breath of every human being.” Job 12:10 NIRV

March 1, 2014 6:08PM

You know those thoughts that linger around your mind, ones that speak truths to you that you do not want to acknowledge, not even to your closest friends or spouse?

They capture a fear within. A fear that if they materialize into words you will forever regret giving them voice.

You rebuke them in your prayers, turning them over to God but they still whisper.

Then it happens. A quiet moment with your partner, your soul mate, the conversation opens to a crossroad with those thoughts.  One of you brushes the edge and the other realizes those thoughts are not only troubling you.

For the briefest second you look at each other as if you have each bared your soul and realize the reality those thoughts could become.  You look at the stark truth together and take a deep breath.

It is done. They are acknowledged to one another, you are not alone with them. You realize you share something very deep.  A message to your soul.

It is a relief. A moment that you realize how closely bonded you really are. You wonder if those thoughts are preparing you for some future time.

The thoughts still linger.  However, you won’t speak of it again.  Only once.

Once was enough to see into each others heart and know your deepest hidden unspoken thoughts are journeying together.

Know YOU ARE Loved

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It’s Valentine’s Day and I look across my desk and see a Valentine’s card that has been tucked in by my phone for five years. It is the last Valentine I got from my mother.

I reach over, pick it up and look inside. The words on the card were not mushy or full of fluff — it was simple wish for my happiness. She signed it, “I love you, Me”

I have shared my thoughts on Valentine’s day in the past. I am neither for it or opposed to it. I do know it is hard day for many people who feel alone, lost and unloved and that makes me sad.

~ Much love to all who have lost loved ones during this year. May may your heart be touch by a sweet memory.

~ Much love to the single moms and dads who are providing a loving home for your family with all the strength it takes.

~ Much love to all those who are lost and lonely on the streets, in shelters or just alone, alone with no one beside them.

~ Much love to all the elderly who feel forgotten.

~ Much love to the Veteran who still carries a burden for his lost friends.

~ Much love to the first responders as they are often witness to the lack of love in the world.

~ Much love to all of you who caring for your elderly parents whose minds and memories are fading away.

My wish for you all is the same as the wish in my card.

“Whatever makes you Happy, whatever makes you feel loved”… “That’s what Valentine’s Day should be…”

May you all receive a tangible sign today that you are loved.

Thinking of you Mother ❤️ Now nine months since you made your final journey.

https://emyloomwordswovenwithinmyheart.com/2015/02/14/february-14th/

Twenty-Two Years

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Strange how that number is repeating in my mind these last few days. It is wrapped around three events from the past week and the meaning of each has very different perspectives and impacts.

First off and most tragic, two NYC police officers were murdered when they responded to a domestic violence call. The youngest was only 22 years old, he was a newly-wed, married just 4 months to his childhood sweetheart. Detective Rivera was called to do a difficult job, a job not many understand or appreciate for the real challenges and dangers they face.

At his funeral his wife said, “The system continues to fail us. We are not safe anymore, not even the members of the service, I know you were tired of these laws, especially the ones from the new DA.”

These men and women face risk every day and these risks are compounded by the leadership and justice departments in many cities that in an attempt to feed the maddening crowd are becoming appeasers. They are appeasing the crowd by implementing no cash bail policies, minimum sentences, no arrests for crimes under certain values all of which has led to releasing offenders repeatedly back to the street. The criminals are emboldened, they are brazen in committing crimes because they know the consequences have fallen to an acceptable level and like most criminals, they are going to take advantage of an opportunity to game the system. The leadership, the district attorneys, and the judges know, or should know, the hazards the police face and what they personally lay on the line each day but they do not seem to care. They don’t seemed to care about what it is costing them or what it is costing departments in loss; loss of morale as well as life.

According to the National Fraternal Order of Police, “…as of midnight on 31 January, there have been 30 officers shot in the line of duty so far in 2022 (+67% from 2021 YTD). Of those officers shot, 5 of them were killed by gunfire.” When is it enough? A young man, only 22, lost his life.

Just like NYC, the leadership in many areas have put the morale and well-being of its officers second to the movement to remake the justice system. Officers are leaving, especially those who have seen all the horrors one too many times. It is society’s loss.

Secondly, as I have written about before, I am the mother of a Law Enforcement Officer. He has 22 years of service between two different departments and last week he left law enforcement. Between his service in law enforcement and the time he served in the Army he has devoted over half his life to public service.

Over his 22 year career, he has received numerous life saving awards, been part of major efforts to get drugs off the street, located underage children, stood against the riotous crowds during the BLM protests, and everyday he walked out of his front door, as every officer does, knowing that even if he did everything right that day it could be his last.

On the first day of 2022, by noon, he had already been to three deaths due to drug overdoses. How long can one see those horrors day in and day out and push it aside? At some point your health, your happiness, and your life become more important especially when you hear the leadership, your leadership, are not concerned about officer morale. There comes a time when you want to live the life you have left in peace, no conflict, no senseless deaths, no critiquing your every move and hating you for the job you do.

Best wishes to my hero, my son, as he begins this new chapter in his life. I pray the remainder of his life is filled with love, in a peaceful place, with someone he loves and maybe a donkey.

Finally, the last event is about Tom Brady who is retiring from football after 22 years. Yesterday and today all I have heard about is –The G.O.A.T. Yes, he is a talented athlete, his career has latest longer than most athletes in the field, he lead his teams to seven Super Bowl victories. He’s had an amazing life, full of accolades and stadiums full of cheering fans, but is he a hero?

Police officers have been heroes to many – they may not hear it about it in this life but know there are many, many people out there that remember them in their hearts. These are people they have helped, comforted and rescued, to the officer they may have melded into one person, but the people they helped remember them on the day that was their lowest; they remember that officer in front of them that helped them get through it. It is a tragic fact that many true heroes get no acknowledgement until they are gone.

In the few short weeks of this year 2022, I will remember these heroes.
~ Officer II Fernando Arroyos, 27, Los Angeles PD, killed 1/10/22
~ Detective Jason Rivera, 22, New York PD, killed 1/21/22
~ Corporal Charles Galloway, 48, Harris County Constable, killed 1/23/22
~ Detective Wilbert Mora, 27, New York City PD, killed 1/25/22
~ Campus Safety Officer JJ Jefferson, 48, Bridgewater College PD, VA, killed 2/1/22
~ Officer John Painter, 55, Bridgewater College PD, VA, killed 2/1/22

Never Again

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In 1991, I visited Bergen-Belsen, a Nazi concentration camp near Celle, Germany. Although there were no gas chambers there, is estimated 36,000 people died there between 1943 and April 1945. On April 15th 1945, British troops liberated the camp. There they found 60,000 starving and deathly ill people in an overcrowded, unsanitary camp with a typhus epidemic spread throughout. These people, barely alive, were surrounded by the bodies of 13,000 who had recently died. The British, shocked and ill-prepared for what they found, attempted to control the spread of disease and help those that remained however, even with their best efforts, another 15,000 died after liberation. Of the many who died at Bergen-Belsen, the most well know were Margot and Anne Frank who reportedly died only weeks before liberation.

It was a cold February morning when I visited, it had snowed the night before, there were no footprints on the path, no others mourners had passed by. It was so quiet and surreal. Each step I took in the cold dry snow made a crunching sound that broke the silence like steps on shattered glass. As I walked among mass graves and memorials, I was struck by the peacefulness of the moment for a place where so many were tortured, starved and died from diseases and abuse. Near impossible comprehend such evil and hate.

My husband was with me on this journey to mourn and remember those who perished in this place. We both left with a deeper understanding of something that can never really be understood. It was sobering and it was that day a seed was planted in both our hearts to never forget the horrors of that time. It breaks my heart when people make comparisons to the Holocaust that diminish the overwhelming evil, torture, inhumane treatment and murder of an entire generation.

We say never again but antisemitism is on the rise worldwide today and sadly history has shown that hatred, although it kills, it does not die. Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day observed on the anniversary date of the liberation of Auschwitz. Today, I not only remember the 6 million Jews that were murdered during the Holocaust but I reaffirm my vow to speak out against antisemitism and hate ~ Never Again, Never Again this is my prayer.

Netflix’s After Life

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It was full of foul language, filthy jokes, drug use, suicide, sexual innuendos, lewd actions, and off color references to people who are over-weight and disadvantaged. Everything I distain, but when it was over, I sobbed and sobbed.

The description drew me in. Tony whose wife, Lisa, of 25 years died of breast cancer. He was angry at the world. He took his anger out in everyone, even those who cared and tried to help him.

He goes through the motions during the day at night he drinks and watches videos of his life with Lisa and videos she made for him before she died.

He wants to die. He tries to commit suicide but he can’t quite get up the courage and several times his dog stops him. At one point he befriends a heroin addict and asks him to introduce him to the poison in an effort to numb his grief. Later he discovers the addict is also suffering from loss and wants to die but does not have enough money to buy what it takes to end it all. Tony supplies the funds and it is unclear if he feels any regret or sorrow about his actions.

Tony is a reporter for a local small town newspaper and through that he meets a variety people with their own quirks and hardships that come in and out of his life. Each one had something to share with him.

In the mix of all this he also lost his dad to Alzheimer’s. His interactions were familiar, repeating answers to the same questions and the sadness on days his dad didn’t know who he was. I really connected to his visits with him.

He doesn’t believe in God, but he thinks about it. His wife is gone, she wanted to believe there was an afterlife, but every serious conversation was an opportunity for a tasteless joke to him. Later he wonders of he destroyed her hope.

Hopelessly lost without out his wife, his soul-mate (if only he could believe we had souls), through the 18 episodes he slowly works his way through the grief. All the music through out the series is soft, sentimental, ballad-like and it ends with Joni Mitchell’s ‘Both Sides, Now.’

I won’t share the end, but he meets someone that puts a question to him that he struggles to answer, and he cannot answer in his usual cocky sarcastic way. He has a moment, an epiphany. That’s when my tears started.

I really disliked so much that was this movie, that listed above, the constant use of the F-word and worse but the deeper message touched me

Life, love, craziness, struggles, guilt, loss… things we all experience. Experiences I have been battling these last couple of years, perhaps I was holding more in than I thought, because the rivers of tears let loose.

After Life – Genre: Black Comedy – Written, Directed and Starring: Ricky Gervais

Is Hate Winning?

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It seems the winds of hatred are still blowing and they are like flames that are destroying lives, faith and hope for the future. Some days it weighs on my heart more than other days, some days it seems as if evil is winning and that there is no longer any truth. All truth has been painted over with the lust for power. Some days I wish I could close my eyes go to sleep and not have to see anymore, hear anymore or care anymore.

Is Hate winning? Who is in charge of this mess? Who can we believe?

I don’t know if hate is winning. I don’t know who on earth is really in charge. Is there a group of elites that are playing chess with all our lives? I don’t know who on earth we can believe… so many lies, so much deceit, so much, so much.

What I do know is that God is in control. Whatever His plans we are not to know, we probably could not comprehend if we did know.

During the times I am feeling this way, I read Ecclesiastes. In this book written by Solomon, Israel’s King known for his wisdom nearly 3,000 years ago, he set out to understand life’s meaning and purpose, good and evil, wisdom and folly, and justice and injustice. In the end he concluded:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

In Proverbs, which was also written by Solomon, it says;

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 10:12

Below is a short verse I wrote on Hatred in 2018. I keep reminding my myself how easily it can creep into my life. Praying for love that covers all and that hate is purged from my thoughts and actions.

Shout Out for the Alpha Male

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You know what? Alpha males are not a bad creatures and despite popular opinions men are not bad creatures. Not white ones, not black ones, tan ones nor any color or race.

This guy right here, many would say an alpha male and that trait can be challenging at times. However, when the power is out and you’ve been dumped with another 8+ inches of snow, when there is ice on all the trees and they are blocking the drive… he, soon to be 71, will go out and shovel around the car for me, get a saw, stand in the freezing weather to cut branches out of the way.

He will also amuse me and stand under a tree full of snow and shake the tree until the snow falls and covers him two inches deep.

He can be fun that way and as I have expressed before he can be all business. He is smart, I am often amazed how he can hold all that information in his brain. He works hard. He is not afraid to take risks and often it is the secret to his success.

Beyond that he is generous to many without pursing any acknowledgment or gratitude. He shows mercy to those who have hit bottom and have made poor decisions and offers support. He is passionate about his dreams.

He brings breakfast in bed and then cleans the kitchen. He chokes up over sentimental movies (more than I do). He can be mischievous. He loves his sons. He loves God.

Sure there are women who would get out and do those things but I am not one of them. With the power out and heavy snow still falling, I would be crawling back in bed and waiting it out.

Ten Days in PJ’s

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Happy New Year!

Heading back to work tomorrow after 10 glorious days off. Ten peaceful, stress-free days in my PJ’s.

I did not really plan to stay in my PJ’s for ten days but on Christmas day the snow started falling and by the next evening there was a foot of snow covering the ground. Son and daughter-in-law cancelled visit due to dangerous road conditions. So hubby smoked a turkey and we, for the first time in 40 years, had dinner alone and with me in my PJ’s.

On Monday, I was scheduled to return to work, but the snow was still falling and the boss (hubby) said not to bother coming in. I am feeling like a lazy sloth so I made a coffee, had a little breakfast, and in my PJ’s watched Netflix on the Behemoth from my bed aka my nest.

Just for the sake if not having to repeat myself here, I did shower and put on fresh PJ’s daily. I mean really, I am being lazy but I’m not a pig. To top off the day I ate leftover creamed spinach and dressing for dinner, also from my nest.

The next day I gathered all that work I had brought home on the 23rd spread it out all over my nest, propped my laptop on the pillow and finished the invoicing as I continued to binged watch movies. All that work tired me out so I then took a 2 hour nap. However, “note to self” working in one’s PJ’s is much less stressful.

Wednesday, still in my PJ’s, I run down to the front porch and take pictures of the snow. Back upstairs, I look out the window and see the elk herd. They look baffled by all the cold white stuff on the ground. They are hungry. They settled for plants, like the bamboo, that are normally on their “do not eat” list.

Thursday, I got a call that my mom’s favorite brother-in-law had gained his wings. Uncle Johnny, the last of his generation. Now with his lovely wife who went before him two years ago, my mom and his brother. Sad ending to the year but he was no longer happy here. I took a deep breath and shed some tears. I certainly am not getting out of my PJ’s today.

Friday, the last day of 2021. Still over a foot of snow and the temperature is in the low 20’s so it is not going away anytime soon. I did manage to do more than lay around and watch Netflix. I was expecting guests on New Year’s Day so I got up and cleared the dining room, put on a festive table cloth that has amber beads around the edge and vacuumed. I organized the meal ingredients ready for preparation tomorrow.

I am still worried about the roads as the snow had started up again. I make a mental note to let my friends know if they are worried about weather, I would understand if they canceled. No sooner does that thought cross my mind than I get an email from friends that they are not well and thought it better to cancel and not share germs.

So hey, time to relax. I start reflecting on a post from New Year’s in 2012, those thoughts end up as the last blog post in 2021. Hubby and I manage to stay up until midnight and cheer in the new year — with a little 7 up and Chambord. The fireworks start and we call it a night.

Along with the very hungry elk, here in the Pacific Northwest we have Anna hummingbirds that live here year round. We put out feeders even in winter, with the below freezing temperatures we bring them in at night put them back out early in the morning. Well, too much Chambord maybe because we forgot to bring them in last night and found this big frozen icicle in the morning. The hummers were not amused, I hear their chit-chit-chit from the nearby trees as I retrieve the frozen mess.

I prepared the traditional black-eye peas for lunch with a side of prime rib and potatoes. No guests, but hubby and I enjoy New Year’s feast together, again alone, for the first time in 40 years. The first time in my PJ’s as well. Good thing too because after that meal the food coma set in and I was forced to take a long winter’s nap.

If you have made it this far, I commend you. It is a long boring story but really, what did you expect from a title that states someone spent 10 days in their PJ’s?

I refuse to feel guilty. I needed this time to reset, 2021 was a tough year. I lost six friends this year and my mom but on the happier side I also became a great-grandmother. I managed, by the grace of God, to stay healthy even though I traveled quite a bit. I still have work, a home, food, transportation, family, and a drawer full of PJ’s. I am blessed.

New Year’s Day 2012

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No not 2012, but 2022. In 2012 my thoughts, my pleas, my prayers were these …

The New Year is fast approaching ~ many of us see the new year as a new beginning, a time to reflect on our lives the past year and resolve to make changes, correct past mistakes, start over.

Tonight I’m thinking why wait every 365 days. I’m going to resolve to make everyday a new beginning; everyday as the sun sets I hope to be thankful for the blessings in my life, to forgive others, to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done. I hope to go to sleep each night with a resolve to look at the new day as a new beginning and opportunity to grow and put the past behind me.

Ten years, it has always been the hope in my heart to live by this creed, I have not always succeeded but I start new every morning. Even so there is something sobering about the new year. A section of time with a beginning and an end. A section of time that records history, life and death and lays it out in 365 day blocks.

The holidays are over, the fireworks have started celebrating and welcoming the new year recorded as 2022. In ten years where will I be? I don’t know. As always, my hope and prayer remain that I see each day as a new beginning, that I count my blessings and fully trust God whatever each day brings.

December Down

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Portions of this may sound like a bit of a rant but bear with me as I reflect on the past month — its joys and frustrations.

December, the last month of the year. Work is winding down but keeping track of the past year and all the accounting that goes with year end, is just gearing up. Looking around at the piles of filing and stacks of unrecorded transactions, I try to assess how much I can get done before my December schedule takes hold.

Ahh yes, this place I call home is a beautiful place but for all its beauty it has its downfalls. Home is located at the foot of the Cascade range in direct line with the opening of the Snoqualmie Pass, when the weather comes and the wind blows … the power goes out. I really don’t like the wind, I don’t mind breezes but the wind, with fearsome 50-70 mile an hour gusts, is terrifying. This year “the weather” really started at Thanksgiving and it came with great force. Fortunately or unfortunately, however you may look at it, the wind is usually the most fierce at night.

Fortunate, because you can’t see the 150 foot trees bowing against the force of the wind doing pirouettes in the sky. Unfortunate, because the big branches break off the trees, hit the house and leave me to wonder what is next as I lie in the dark and listen to the carnage. Then it happens, the power flickers once and comes back on, the adjustable bed deflates. I re-adjust the bed, the power flickers again and comes back on. Then it is off for the count, the power company estimates 8 hours. At dawn it is all over and a peek outside reveals what it looks like a war zone. Although, having never seen a war zone, it is really unfitting to use that comparison. Really I know how blessed I am to live in a land where war is not an evil we have at a our doorsteps.

No power, no catching up work today.

Continue December, granddaughter arrives for 4 day visit with sweet little great-granddaughter, Lily. Nine months old she is delighted as we the tour of the Lights of Christmas at Warm Beach (although not warm). I enjoyed the sweet cuddles, listening to her jabbering about everything that catches her eyes and staring at this new life that is a small part of me, the wonder of it all and the realization that I am now, however impossible it seems, the older generation.

I would have like to jump right back into work but was delayed by yet another storm and power outage. Well, life and plans go on. Next stop Hawaii, and sunshine.

Hawaii, lush green landscapes, beaches, the rhythmic white cap waves methodically rolling to shore and the roaring sound as they crash against the rocks. This particular place we stay is a waterfront condo and from the balcony, I look down and see turtles swimming among the rocks. I find the sound of the surf so calming and relaxing that I am up every morning at four to listen to peaceful swooshing of the waves washing to and fro. A few days in, the local reports are that there is a storm rolling in. After seeing their storm, I find I like Hawaii storms better than Washington storms.

The pièce de résistance of the Hawaii trip was the reunion I had with my lifelong friend. This reunion was neither planned nor orchestrated but a serendipitous event that reassured me that there are powers in control that love me and take joy in making me happy. No amount of planning could have created a better scenario. See my post “Old Friends.”.

Good things only last so long. We return home to Washington to freshly fallen snow. I spend three quick days at the office where a large amount of time is spent opening a mountain of mail, paying bills and payroll —- still no progress on those previously noted tasks and I still have not completed this month’s invoicing.

Not to be defeated yet, I package up all the files and my laptop and head home for Christmas break thinking I will get it done over the long weekend. I started off with very good intentions but the cold and continuing rain dampen my enthusiasm. Oh, I forgot to mention amid the storms and wind, it had been raining constantly since the end of October.

Christmas day came without much fanfare. The “virus,” with variants old and new, has kept caution at a never-ending level. Plus an overnight snow and freezing temperatures made the roads hazardous. Dear hubby smoked a turkey on his Traeger and we had a feast fit for an entire royal court, not just the King. It was, the first time in forty years, Chris and I had Christmas dinner just the two of us, alone.

Six days left until the end if the year and the Christmas snow just kept falling. Over the next 36 hours it fell until more than a foot of snow was on the ground. Amazon cancelled my Fresh grocery delivery (no way they’re gonna navigate these treacherous roads for my $75 worth of groceries). Not a problem as we have enough leftovers to last for many days.

Monday, December 27, not going into the office, I finally organize myself enough in my big nest to complete the first draft of the invoices with only short breaks to go out and take pictures of the snow. So beautiful and peaceful. Peaceful in a different way than the waves. Looking out over the pure white blanket of snow on the ground and the thick layers hanging in the trees coating each branch it seems all should be right in the world… no disease, no war, no sorrow.

More snow Tuesday morning and more expected Wednesday the 29th. Right, now I’m thinking what’s the bother of going in on Thursday because Friday the 31st is the final holiday of the season.

So there you have it, December Down. The year is quickly approaching its end and all those work things I had planned for December can now wait. They will still be here in 2022.

Finally, as I look out and admire the new snow on top of the old snow… as if it perfectly arranged by fate, the power flicks off again.

Christmas Memories

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This sweet memory of my mom when I surprised her on Christmas day 2016 made me smile today. She didn’t recognize me at first… it was the first of many times over the next five years.

The more I watch it, the sweeter it becomes. It just shows you what a value you are to your aging parents and how seeing you is the joy of their lives.

The fact she didn’t recognize me, not even my voice, was a little sad but when she realizes it is me, it made the all night trip worth it. She laughed and laughed about it later that day. There is more video where we are talking through the door. She thought I was some church lady!!!

I love how prominent her Texas accent is when she says, “Oh my Lord! What are you doing here?” Then I hear her crying and it breaks my heart now although I know they were tears of joy.

In the new year remember if you have older parents that the roles in life have flipped. To world you may be somebody but somebody (your parents) you are their whole world.

Merry Christmas Mother. You always made the most decadent ambrosia at Christmas… oranges, cherries, coconut, and sugar. You always said it was the food of the gods. I wonder if you are enjoying it today with God, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

Old Friends

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I don’t really have any “new friends” but I have different stages of “old friends”. I wonder if there is a time when you don’t make new friends? For sure with all the lock downs I haven’t made any new friends the past few years.

Some old friends are newer old friends… 20 years or so but when we met it seemed we had already known each other for many years.

My oldest friend has been through it all with me, she knows all my secrets and I know hers, we’ve done some really stupid things together, partying which often involved drinking too much; we held each other’s hands though births and divorce, illness and supported each other through the loss of our moms – we’ve laughed and cried.

This is Debbie – 45 years since we met in Denver. We’ve spent a lot of years apart and yet the times we are together we pick up where we left off and there is never a moment of awkward silence.

You know those times of serendipitous events that are really divine appointments that I wrote about before? Last week I was blessed with another one.

We were going to Hawaii for a pre-Christmas holiday. Two days before leaving, I opened a Christmas card from Debbie in it she said she was going to Hawaii as well. Our trips overlapped and we were on the same island in condos only one mile apart. We could not have planned it better if we tried.

We both really needed this time together. Four days, to just enjoy each others company, to laugh to reminisce about all of those crazy things we did when we were much younger. I have to say she remembers a lot of stuff I do not recall. Most things I would be ashamed to remember that I did.

My ex thought she was a bad influence on me but isn’t that the way it goes? The greatest friendships have a yin and yang combination. I married young and really had no wild and crazy side when we met; Debbie was a natural comic, quick and witty. I always would tell her that Rosanne had nothing compared to her.

My old friend, she is a fighter and she is a survivor. Six years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The bad one, but really they are all bad. During chemo and radiation her mother began to decline and she had to travel away from home to say a hard goodbye. Prayers are answered because after five years of treatment, she is cancer free.

So yes, every visit, every moment is that much more precious. We hugged and kissed, our hearts ached when we parted.

I was a girl scout and there is a scouting song that goes like this:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.
A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We’ve been friends, from the very start.
You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, we have each other.
You help me and I’ll help you and together we will see it through.
Across the land, Across the sea; Friends forever we will always be ❤️

Debbie, you are my treasure. You are gold.

Our First Thanksgiving

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Tonight I am am thankful for Chrissie ❤️

This picture was taken on our FIRST Thanksgiving together (1982), this year will be Thanksgiving number FORTY!

On that first Thanksgiving in Denver Chrissie got up from the table and fixed plates for my little dogs Lucy and British.

He can be fun that way and as I have expressed before he can be all business. He is smart, I am often amazed how he can hold all that information in his brain. He works hard. He is not afraid to take risks and often it is the secret to his success.

Beyond that he is generous to many without pursing any acknowledgment or gratitude. He shows mercy to those who have hit bottom and have made poor decisions and offers support. He is passionate about his dreams. He brings breakfast in bed and then cleans the kitchen. He chokes up over sentimental movies (more than I do). He can be mischievous. He loves his sons. He loves God.

He is a blessing (a favor or gift bestowed by God) and I am blessed to have shared so many Thanksgivings with him.

Love Lifted Me

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I once wrote about whether serendipitous events were by coincidence or divine appointment and whether God can use any means to send specific messages. I believe an experience that touched my heart today is more than a coincidence and one of those times that God’s message was for me.

It started this morning when I posted this picture because today is six months since my mother passed. I woke up thinking of her and she has been on my heart all day and this evening.

In 2012, Chris and I took my mom to Israel with us; to say it was a challenge was an understatement. During that trip I realized how badly her dementia had become. Chris was a saint, because some days I lost my patience.

During the entire journey my mother sat behind me in the car and she hummed or sang the hymn “Love Lifted Me”. Over, and over again, for 10 days. I was convinced it was a power struggle and she was doing it just to spite me. Several times I tried to change the tune. I tried playing music on my iPhone (even gospel music which she loved) but “Love Lifted Me” continued. At some point and I don’t think I was very nice about it, I asked her to please stop.

This November I have been making a daily post about thankfulness and things in my life I am thankful for. I often start with a quote from wise people that have passed their wisdom down to us.

This day’s quote was, by Samuel Butler: “Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only. ”

Oh how true is that! I wrote about my heart that could be ugly and less than what God wants it to be. Reflecting back now I know, sadly some of days on that trip my heart was not where God wanted it to be.

So tonight I posted “Reflection of My Heart,”to my blog and logged onto Facebook to share it there. In my news feed were ‘suggested’ videos as usual and the first one up was Randy Travis singing “Love Lifted Me.”

Coincidence, I think not. I do not even own a Randy Travis CD, album or song. I picked a quote to write my “thankful” story without any particular situation in mind and my mother was on my heart because of the time since her passing. Three things came together today and combined they sent a message that struck deep in my soul.

Yes, I played the video of “Love Lifted Me” all the way through and my heart could hear my mom’s voice humming along in the backseat as we traveled through the Holy Land.

Here is the link. Randy Travis. Love Lifted Me

https://youtu.be/5KX-TnmSNqQ

Reflection of My Heart

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Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only.

~ Samuel Butler


I have to say this quote, at first, made me chuckle. I try to avoid mirrors as most days I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me… some days she is just an old lady and other times I see my mother.

After my initial amusement, I thought about the true depth of this quote and it cuts right to the truth of the condition of our human nature. Deep down I have nothing to brag about. When I examine my heart, I recognize my dark thoughts, my pride, my self-centered actions, and the many other ugly things that hide beneath the surface. Thank God that I do not see the blackness in my heart every time I look into a mirror.

Jeremiah 17:9 NIV says. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

It is hard to understand the evil that men do; I struggle to understand the things I do at times that I know displeases God. However, I am thankful that God knows me, he examines my heart and He can lead me, renew His spirit in me and help me walk in His ways and live a life that glorifies Him.

Who can understand it? God can. He understands it, He can change it, He can heal it.

Psalm 139: 23-24 NASB ~ Search me, God, and know my heart; Put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

Psalm 41:10 BSB ~ Create in me a pure heart, oh, God, and renew your right Spirit within me.

Ezekiel 36:26- ~ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you and bring it about that you walk in My statutes, and are careful and follow My ordinances.

Thank you Lord.

Thanks for Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

Aloha Friday

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Today I am thankful it is Friday.

I am also thankful that I have a job but when the week winds down, I am especially thankful that for the next two days that I can rest. Well, not really rest insomuch that I do nothing, I have weekend chores but I am generally at my home and I find it a place of comfort and peace. It is a place away from the busyness of life and the noise of non-stop opinions and chaos. I don’t have to dress for the world, or put on a face for the world; I can just be me.

My sweet Becky often sends me an “Aloha Friday” text message. That phrase comes from the 1940’s when the Hawaiian clothing industry encouraged businesses to allow there workers to wear Aloha shirts on Friday. The trend hit the Bank of Hawaii when it’s President adopted it and allowed his workers to do the same. When the practice spread to the mainland it was known as casual Friday.

The Hawaiian Island Clothing Company says this about Aloha Friday, “Friday is more than just an opportunity to dress casually to work, it is a reminder to help others. It is our reminder to spread Aloha.“

And… according to the Skyline Hawaii Blog:

“Aloha is an essence of being: love, peace, compassion, and a mutual understanding of respect. Aloha means living in harmony with the people and land around you with mercy, sympathy, grace, and kindness.”

I can get behind all that… Aloha Friday everyone.

God Joins Hearts

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Thankful for family… those connected by blood and those connected by heart. You’ve heard the saying that blood is thicker than water but I say that when God joins two hearts, the bond is stronger than blood.

Without getting too deep into the crazy mix of my family, I want to say I am so thankful for the family God has added to my life.

One of these family members is Karen. Karen is actually married to my ex who is also my step-brother. In the past introductions were a little awkward (once we looked at each other like…what do I call you?) but now it is truer and easier to say she is my sister-in-law but really better yet a sister. A sister that came into my family when I needed it most.

Karen joined my family circle in a crisis. We first met when my oldest son was in the hospital after a near-fatal motorcycle accident 30 years ago. She was a supportive then and has stayed a source of strength and comfort through many highs and lows over the years.

Over the years, we went to graduations, we saw a son go to war, we attended weddings and funerals and welcome grandchildren. In 2018, she put in three long days in Texas helping us clean out our parent’s house. A task above and beyond any obligation or call of duty. We had many moments of laughter and it surely took a saint to work through more than 40 years of clutter and dust.

Throughout this difficult year Karen stood by us all as we said goodbye to mother. Not just my mother but her mother-in-law and the mother who loved her, her husband and his sister more than any mother could love a son or daughter.

My mom told me one once that Karen told her we were “buds.” Yes, we were, but we are more than buddies and friends, we became family and we will remain family to the end.

Today is Karen’s birthday. Happy birthday Karen. We met just before your 34th birthday and you have proven to be an amazing gift and blessing in my life.

The Travelin’ Man

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Those of you who know my husband will understand. He is a motivated, driven, hard working never going to stop kind of man. Some would say a workaholic but to him his work is his passion, it challenges him and it keeps him going and he loves what he does.

Below is a post from 2015 and it is even more relevant today.

Once again he is home safe. Chrissie has always traveled a lot, I teased once that I’ve lived in Seattle 30 years but he’s only been here 15! It became common for him to be gone often. However, it seems now that whenever he is away, I am more concerned that he is well and taking care of himself and I am more thankful when he makes it home safely.

So you get the picture, he travels a lot and he works a lot. His last trip overseas was February 2020, just at the beginning of the Covid pandemic. Five days before returning home he became sick with what he felt was food poisoning. By the morning of his trip home he was pretty well depleted of everything as you can imagine after three days of dysentery. It was a grueling trip back, and because the food poisoning caused his GI track to react in a fiercely negative fashion, he neither ate or drank during the trip. Well that was a recipe for disaster, I picked him up from the airport and took him to an urgent care facility, who then in turn sent him to the Emergency Room. It was food poisoning caused by E-coli and Campylobacter infections which caused him to become extremely dehydrated (along with the no fluids on the flight). All of this sent him into acute renal failure and he spent four days in the hospital.

So in 2020 I was very thankful he made it home, albeit in rough shape. Then Covid hit and all travel came to a grinding halt.

While he was home all this time, from February 2020 to November 2021, he did not lay idle. As I said, he likes to stay busy and if he has 15 minutes of free time he’ll find an hours worth of work to cram into it. He became interested in the local homeless shelter organization. He eventually accepted a position on their Board and worked to help them find solutions to expand their capacity during the covid pandemic.

Last week was his first overseas trip in 20 long months. Believe me, he had been trying to organize me too and I was actually looking forward to a little “down time.” Although the covid outbreak in Eastern Europe was high, Chris had been fully vaccinated and received his booster in September.

Off he went into the skies. Traveling again but armed with tools for sanitizing and many cautionary words of advise from his dear wife. He arrived safely on Sunday and then on Tuesday he became ill. Almost a repeat of 2020 – this time it went on for five days. On Thursday he went for his required covid test to reenter the US, it was NEGATIVE, so he was going to try and get home.

He made the first leg of his journey, a five hour flight to Amsterdam and when he got off the plane he was nearly too weak to walk. His traveling companion, who was headed to Detroit, helped him to the KLM Lounge. He tried eating and drinking but his heart was racing and he was short-of-breath. After a very worrisome phone call, I called the Amsterdam Airport Schiphol. I asked for the medical clinic and a very kind doctor answered in Dutch. I asked, “Do you speak English?”

“Yes of course” he replied. Of course he did, according to Language on the Move, 77% of people in the Netherlands are trilingual. In my panicked tone I explained the issue. He calmly told me to have someone from the KLM Lounge bring him over. The compassionate and concerned ladies at the KLM lounge took him in a wheelchair to the Medical Center – Schiphol. The medical staff there quickly assessed him and administered three bags of IV fluids. After four hours he was feeling a boost from that and was ready to go. The clinic wheeled him back to the KLM Lounge where they rebooked him on a flight home for the next day. They then took him to the hotel within the airport where he rested and spent the night.

The next morning, he woke up not feeling quite as well as he did after the IV fluids but because they had booked him on a direct flight to Seattle in First Class, he thought he could make the trip home. I was still very anxious about the whole situation but getting home was the thing that was driving him to press on. It was a long, long night. I kept tracking the flight and my heart skipped a beat when it no longer showed on the tracker, however it was due to the fact they were out of range over Greenland and Northern Canada. I tried texting him as some airlines offer free texting via iMessage but it was radio silence for ten agonizing hours.

When I arrived at the airport he showed up after only a few minutes due to the fact he cleared Customs with his Global Entry status. I have to say, he did not look as bad as I expected, although he was sweating profusely. We left the airport and went straight to the hospital skipping the urgent care step this time. After five hours we left the ER, we discovered he had similar issues as before but added inflammation and infection in his colon; again acute kidneys injury (although not as bad as 2020, I think due to the fluids he received at Schiphol) and again E coli plus giardia lamblia infections. The doctor said that because of his age they would ordinarily keep him to continue IV fluid so insure his kidneys recovered, but hospitals are not the safest places these days. We came home with two different antibiotics and stern instructions to return if he did not improve.

So there it is. Once again he made it home and although not completely safe, he had the prayers of friends I had called during my panic and guardians along the way to help him. Quite possibly guardian angels. He has plans to travel to Israel in three and half weeks. All I can do is pray he makes it home safely which is what I have done for the past thirty-nine years. I tried telling him that although he feels 35 his body is 70. He’s not buying it.

The End

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I’ve written nothing for weeks, it seems the only thing on my mind is our eventual end in this world. Death.

I feel like I shouldn’t write about it anymore but it has consumed my thoughts. I want to move on but after I lost my mom, my BFF lost hers only a few weeks later. Then two other friends followed the same sad path. We are all moving from one plane to another. Being daughters and caretakers to wondering what do we do now after we finish sorting through our mother’s belongings and closing down their lives.

What is the meaning of life if it just comes to an end and we are reduced to a few boxes of our treasures and we are remembered only by a few close loved ones?

Recently an older couple that owned the townhouse next to one we owned in Seattle, downsized and moved. Before they moved the husband asked if he could use our trash and recycling to dispose of some extra things. Of course I told him it would be OK. The next week I went to put some things in trash and inside the trashcan he had tossed a cat litter box and some folders in the bottom. I picked up one of the folders and it was his diploma from the University of Pennsylvania. The others similar diplomas representing accomplishments in his life. It really made me sad … is this what it comes down to – all that you worked for, all your goals in life are tossed out in the trash with a dirty old cat litter box? I wanted to rescue them for him, I wanted to preserve what he had worked for, his life’s achievements. It seemed so final, so futile. What is left, what is the purpose of it all?

As I think about all these things, I realize summer has past and winter is fast approaching. I look forward with dread, I dread winter… I dread the wind, the rain, the cold, the dead plants in the garden and the mess in my yard. My mood is already deep in winter. Can I just wake up tomorrow in Spring?

I know the answer. I must go through this winter, the one in my heart and the one outside. I am calling out to God, please Lord rescue me. Pull me through this season a of life and carry me to the end.