Month: January 2022

Never Again

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In 1991, I visited Bergen-Belsen, a Nazi concentration camp near Celle, Germany. Although there were no gas chambers there, is estimated 36,000 people died there between 1943 and April 1945. On April 15th 1945, British troops liberated the camp. There they found 60,000 starving and deathly ill people in an overcrowded, unsanitary camp with a typhus epidemic spread throughout. These people, barely alive, were surrounded by the bodies of 13,000 who had recently died. The British, shocked and ill-prepared for what they found, attempted to control the spread of disease and help those that remained however, even with their best efforts, another 15,000 died after liberation. Of the many who died at Bergen-Belsen, the most well know were Margot and Anne Frank who reportedly died only weeks before liberation.

It was a cold February morning when I visited, it had snowed the night before, there were no footprints on the path, no others mourners had passed by. It was so quiet and surreal. Each step I took in the cold dry snow made a crunching sound that broke the silence like steps on shattered glass. As I walked among mass graves and memorials, I was struck by the peacefulness of the moment for a place where so many were tortured, starved and died from diseases and abuse. Near impossible comprehend such evil and hate.

My husband was with me on this journey to mourn and remember those who perished in this place. We both left with a deeper understanding of something that can never really be understood. It was sobering and it was that day a seed was planted in both our hearts to never forget the horrors of that time. It breaks my heart when people make comparisons to the Holocaust that diminish the overwhelming evil, torture, inhumane treatment and murder of an entire generation.

We say never again but antisemitism is on the rise worldwide today and sadly history has shown that hatred, although it kills, it does not die. Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day observed on the anniversary date of the liberation of Auschwitz. Today, I not only remember the 6 million Jews that were murdered during the Holocaust but I reaffirm my vow to speak out against antisemitism and hate ~ Never Again, Never Again this is my prayer.

Netflix’s After Life

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It was full of foul language, filthy jokes, drug use, suicide, sexual innuendos, lewd actions, and off color references to people who are over-weight and disadvantaged. Everything I distain, but when it was over, I sobbed and sobbed.

The description drew me in. Tony whose wife, Lisa, of 25 years died of breast cancer. He was angry at the world. He took his anger out in everyone, even those who cared and tried to help him.

He goes through the motions during the day at night he drinks and watches videos of his life with Lisa and videos she made for him before she died.

He wants to die. He tries to commit suicide but he can’t quite get up the courage and several times his dog stops him. At one point he befriends a heroin addict and asks him to introduce him to the poison in an effort to numb his grief. Later he discovers the addict is also suffering from loss and wants to die but does not have enough money to buy what it takes to end it all. Tony supplies the funds and it is unclear if he feels any regret or sorrow about his actions.

Tony is a reporter for a local small town newspaper and through that he meets a variety people with their own quirks and hardships that come in and out of his life. Each one had something to share with him.

In the mix of all this he also lost his dad to Alzheimer’s. His interactions were familiar, repeating answers to the same questions and the sadness on days his dad didn’t know who he was. I really connected to his visits with him.

He doesn’t believe in God, but he thinks about it. His wife is gone, she wanted to believe there was an afterlife, but every serious conversation was an opportunity for a tasteless joke to him. Later he wonders of he destroyed her hope.

Hopelessly lost without out his wife, his soul-mate (if only he could believe we had souls), through the 18 episodes he slowly works his way through the grief. All the music through out the series is soft, sentimental, ballad-like and it ends with Joni Mitchell’s ‘Both Sides, Now.’

I won’t share the end, but he meets someone that puts a question to him that he struggles to answer, and he cannot answer in his usual cocky sarcastic way. He has a moment, an epiphany. That’s when my tears started.

I really disliked so much that was this movie, that listed above, the constant use of the F-word and worse but the deeper message touched me

Life, love, craziness, struggles, guilt, loss… things we all experience. Experiences I have been battling these last couple of years, perhaps I was holding more in than I thought, because the rivers of tears let loose.

After Life – Genre: Black Comedy – Written, Directed and Starring: Ricky Gervais

Is Hate Winning?

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It seems the winds of hatred are still blowing and they are like flames that are destroying lives, faith and hope for the future. Some days it weighs on my heart more than other days, some days it seems as if evil is winning and that there is no longer any truth. All truth has been painted over with the lust for power. Some days I wish I could close my eyes go to sleep and not have to see anymore, hear anymore or care anymore.

Is Hate winning? Who is in charge of this mess? Who can we believe?

I don’t know if hate is winning. I don’t know on earth who is really in charge. Is there a group of elites that are playing chess with all our lives? I don’t know who on earth we can believe… so many lies, so much deceit, so much, so much.

What I do know is that God is in control. Whatever His plans we are not to know, we probably could not comprehend if we did know.

During the times I am feeling this way, I read Ecclesiastes. In this book written by Solomon, Israel’s King known for his wisdom nearly 3,000 years ago, he set out to understand life’s meaning and purpose, good and evil, wisdom and folly, and justice and injustice. In the end he concluded:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

In Proverbs, which was also written by Solomon, it says;

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 10:12

Below is a short verse I wrote on Hatred in 2018. I keep reminding my myself how easily it can creep into my life. Praying for love that covers all and that hate is purged from my thoughts and actions.

Shout Out for the Alpha Male

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You know what? Alpha males are not a bad creatures and despite popular opinions men are not bad creatures. Not white ones, not black ones, tan ones nor any color or race.

This guy right here, many would say an alpha male and that trait can be challenging at times. However, when the power is out and you’ve been dumped with another 8+ inches of snow, when there is ice on all the trees and they are blocking the drive… he, soon to be 71, will go out and shovel around the car for me, get a saw, stand in the freezing weather to cut branches out of the way.

He will also amuse me and stand under a tree full of snow and shake the tree until the snow falls and covers him two inches deep.

He can be fun that way and as I have expressed before he can be all business. He is smart, I am often amazed how he can hold all that information in his brain. He works hard. He is not afraid to take risks and often it is the secret to his success.

Beyond that he is generous to many without pursing any acknowledgment or gratitude. He shows mercy to those who have hit bottom and have made poor decisions and offers support. He is passionate about his dreams.

He brings breakfast in bed and then cleans the kitchen. He chokes up over sentimental movies (more than I do). He can be mischievous. He loves his sons. He loves God.

Sure there are women who would get out and do those things but I am not one of them. With the power out and heavy snow still falling, I would be crawling back in bed and waiting it out.

Ten Days in PJ’s

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Happy New Year!

Heading back to work tomorrow after 10 glorious days off. Ten peaceful, stress-free days in my PJ’s.

I did not really plan to stay in my PJ’s for ten days but on Christmas day the snow started falling and by the next evening there was a foot of snow covering the ground. Son and daughter-in-law cancelled visit due to dangerous road conditions. So hubby smoked a turkey and we, for the first time in 40 years, had dinner alone and with me in my PJ’s.

On Monday, I was scheduled to return to work, but the snow was still falling and the boss (hubby) said not to bother coming in. I am feeling like a lazy sloth so I made a coffee, had a little breakfast, and in my PJ’s watched Netflix on the Behemoth from my bed aka my nest.

Just for the sake if not having to repeat myself here, I did shower and put on fresh PJ’s daily. I mean really, I am being lazy but I’m not a pig. To top off the day I ate leftover creamed spinach and dressing for dinner, also from my nest.

The next day I gathered all that work I had brought home on the 23rd spread it out all over my nest, propped my laptop on the pillow and finished the invoicing as I continued to binged watch movies. All that work tired me out so I then took a 2 hour nap. However, “note to self” working in one’s PJ’s is much less stressful.

Wednesday, still in my PJ’s, I run down to the front porch and take pictures of the snow. Back upstairs, I look out the window and see the elk herd. They look baffled by all the cold white stuff on the ground. They are hungry. They settled for plants, like the bamboo, that are normally on their “do not eat” list.

Thursday, I got a call that my mom’s favorite brother-in-law had gained his wings. Uncle Johnny, the last of his generation. Now with his lovely wife who went before him two years ago, my mom and his brother. Sad ending to the year but he was no longer happy here. I took a deep breath and shed some tears. I certainly am not getting out of my PJ’s today.

Friday, the last day of 2021. Still over a foot of snow and the temperature is in the low 20’s so it is not going away anytime soon. I did manage to do more than lay around and watch Netflix. I was expecting guests on New Year’s Day so I got up and cleared the dining room, put on a festive table cloth that has amber beads around the edge and vacuumed. I organized the meal ingredients ready for preparation tomorrow.

I am still worried about the roads as the snow had started up again. I make a mental note to let my friends know if they are worried about weather, I would understand if they canceled. No sooner does that thought cross my mind than I get an email from friends that they are not well and thought it better to cancel and not share germs.

So hey, time to relax. I start reflecting on a post from New Year’s in 2012, those thoughts end up as the last blog post in 2021. Hubby and I manage to stay up until midnight and cheer in the new year — with a little 7 up and Chambord. The fireworks start and we call it a night.

Along with the very hungry elk, here in the Pacific Northwest we have Anna hummingbirds that live here year round. We put out feeders even in winter, with the below freezing temperatures we bring them in at night put them back out early in the morning. Well, too much Chambord maybe because we forgot to bring them in last night and found this big frozen icicle in the morning. The hummers were not amused, I hear their chit-chit-chit from the nearby trees as I retrieve the frozen mess.

I prepared the traditional black-eye peas for lunch with a side of prime rib and potatoes. No guests, but hubby and I enjoy New Year’s feast together, again alone, for the first time in 40 years. The first time in my PJ’s as well. Good thing too because after that meal the food coma set in and I was forced to take a long winter’s nap.

If you have made it this far, I commend you. It is a long boring story but really, what did you expect from a title that states someone spent 10 days in their PJ’s?

I refuse to feel guilty. I needed this time to reset, 2021 was a tough year. I lost six friends this year and my mom but on the happier side I also became a great-grandmother. I managed, by the grace of God, to stay healthy even though I traveled quite a bit. I still have work, a home, food, transportation, family, and a drawer full of PJ’s. I am blessed.