I’ve written nothing for weeks, it seems the only thing on my mind is our eventual end in this world. Death.

I feel like I shouldn’t write about it anymore but it has consumed my thoughts. I want to move on but after I lost my mom, my BFF lost hers only a few weeks later. Then two other friends followed the same sad path. We are all moving from one plane to another. Being daughters and caretakers to wondering what do we do now after we finish sorting through our mother’s belongings and closing down their lives.

What is the meaning of life if it just comes to an end and we are reduced to a few boxes of our treasures and we are remembered only by a few close loved ones?

Recently an older couple that owned the townhouse next to one we owned in Seattle, downsized and moved. Before they moved the husband asked if he could use our trash and recycling to dispose of some extra things. Of course I told him it would be OK. The next week I went to put some things in trash and inside the trashcan he had tossed a cat litter box and some folders in the bottom. I picked up one of the folders and it was his diploma from the University of Pennsylvania. The others similar diplomas representing accomplishments in his life. It really made me sad … is this what it comes down to – all that you worked for, all your goals in life are tossed out in the trash with a dirty old cat litter box? I wanted to rescue them for him, I wanted to preserve what he had worked for, his life’s achievements. It seemed so final, so futile. What is left, what is the purpose of it all?

As I think about all these things, I realize summer has past and winter is fast approaching. I look forward with dread, I dread winter… I dread the wind, the rain, the cold, the dead plants in the garden and the mess in my yard. My mood is already deep in winter. Can I just wake up tomorrow in Spring?

I know the answer. I must go through this winter, the one in my heart and the one outside. I am calling out to God, please Lord rescue me. Pull me through this season a of life and carry me to the end.